Originally Posted by
Tindersticks
The ladies who did the race registration and results last night deserve praise for their valiant efforts. The midges were bwreaking havoc as we hastily filled in the race forms and all the while the ladies remained totally unfazed...many thanks.
I’m in the car getting changed and I have a brainwave. I know it’s the female midges that do the biting and I’ve no midge repellent but I do have some Old Spice deodorant and that always seems to repel the ladies where I’m concerned. After spraying myself from head to toe, I must’ve smelled like a right bobby-dazzler, I then venture outside and see if the ‘Spice’ works its magic.
Come on midges do your worst....aaaaaargh, the little sods love it.
Only thing for it is to keep moving and during an enforced warmup I spot one of my teammates, Ste Baker.....then I swallowed a fly, not a midge, a fly and a big one at that. I coughed it back up and without thinking I proudly show it off to Ste. I can’t tell whether he’s impressed or repulsed as I can’t see his face for the midges. I don’t hear a gag reflex so I’m presuming he’s impressed...I know I’d have been impressed if Ste had done the same.
At the startline I’m listening to Mark’s race briefing but I’m also thinking about the coughed up fly....what if I’d swallowed it? We start racing and all I can think of is the rhyme about the old lady who swallowed a fly and what could’ve been my outcome if I’d done the same.
We’re running up the track towards the Pigeon Tower and I’m digging in whilst watching out for the rocks and find myself comfortably in the top ten. Then I’m thinking, “what did she swallow after the fly?”. I remember....after the fly, it was the spider, that wriggling and jiggled and tickled inside her.
I’m running well and then I almost blurted out, “bird”...after the spider came the bird...how absurd.
We’ve arrived at the steps leading up to the Pike and my legs start to feel heavy but I get a spring in my step when I remembered the cat...imagine that she swallowed a cat. It’s all coming back...fly...spider...bird...cat...what’s next?
It’s going well...both the race and my recollection of a rhyme that I haven’t heard in years. Now there’s only one thing that can follow a cat and that’s a dog...what a hog!
Then it starts to fall apart, my legs are feeling really tired during the uphill running towards the pile of rocks that is Two Lads and I can’t remember what followed the dog. At this point Horwich’s Mark Walsh runs alongside me and I’m tempted to ask him, “what did the old lady swallow after the dog?”. Thinking this a strange question, especially during a fell race, I keep my thoughts to myself and try keeping with Mark.
For the life of me I can’t think what she swallowed after the dog....I keep thinking horse but know there’s something else. The horse was definitely the last thing she swallowed....swallowed a horse, she’s dead of course!
Back to the race and I’m getting a second wind and start pulling away and finish well inside the top ten...but what came between the dog and horse?
After the race l tell a few about my predicament and they look at me like I’m not wired up right. Calvin says he’ll google it but I don’t hang around as the midges have taken a proper liking to my Old Spice. Once home I google it myself....she opened her throat and swallowed a goat, then she swallowed a cow, I don’t know how she swallowed a cow....how could I have forgotten those two?
Most of you probably swallow a fly and think nothing of it.....now where’s the fun in that?
Thanks to Mark and all his Lostock AC helpers....as for the midges, I’m bringing Brut next time and I’m going to “splash it all over”...midges you’ve been warned.