http://www.irunfar.com/2017/01/is-this-the-end.html
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I thought it was going to be about the first bionic fell runner....I wasn't far wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by luxinterior
A good read Morgan.
Thanks mate.Quote:
Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak
Took a while for me to work through all the things whizzing around my head. My editor at iRF, my dear friend Meghan Hicks, (sorry that sounds a bit pretentious) was brilliant at the fine tuning.
Looks like the next round with the surgeons will be 14/2. More metal sadly, but got to stop the collar bone "doing its own thing....." :-)
Wow, that's pretty hard-hitting. Followers of my sadly long-lived comeback thread will know i'm no stranger to battling things that some musculoskeletal specialists had no solutions to, and winning to a certain degree. Things were going well, and had been for a while, until i damaged my hip joint doing lumbar spine rotations in may of last year. Having made progress and almost kicked the hip problem i screwed it up badly by running too much over xmas; my choice, my bad call, nobody to blame but myself. I sit here now in the teeth of a depressive attack that's been ongoing for nearly 4 weeks now, with my right leg partially numb from the swelling around my hip joint. I can't forgive myself for the decisions i've made, i don't know how long i'm going to be knackered for this time, i hate myself for being so reckless.
How you come out of this is going to be almost purely down to how you manage it mentally. As you can see from what i have posted, i am very bad at staying mentally stable and this is the reason i am suffering so badly. The uncomfortable truth is that a hip joint inflammation is small change compared to what has happened to you, but i know your pain and felt every scrap of it as i read your article.
A couple of things stood out a bit...
This is exactly how i feel about the corrupted emotional centre in my mind that drives the self-hate and lack of self-worth that turbocharges my suffering. Literally to the word- malevolent, a separate creature. I've been led to believe through Psych-K sessions that it's a very bad idea to empower something bad in this way, if that belief statement takes root in your subconscious mind you're f**ked; i have to be clear about that, Morgan. Instead try to disempower it with an alternate statement such as, "i'm ok with this searing pain because it's part of my recovery". Repeat it to yourself as you do the exercises. The subconscious mind can attatch to untrue thoughts very easily, and breed countless grand theories that in some cases can completely destroy you mentally and leave you in tears.Quote:
The tightness is at such a pitch that it feels like the left knee is inhabited by some malevolent creature and is separate from the rest of me. I talk to the creature in my knee.
Forgiveness is king in early stages, but it's something i struggle with so badly. Forgive the biker who knocked you over, forgive yourself for any action that you may have identified as being a contributing factor to this injury; and especially don't dwell on whether you may have had a better chance if you'd have just sat on your arse and waited for help instead of walking off the fell on a smashed knee. Take as long as you need to rid your mind of mental conflict, prepare mentally for the task going forward because nothing is set in stone...nothing! You shouldn't walk into this battle mentally wounded in any way, shape or form because all you're likely to do is argue with the reality of the situation. Arguing with reality is one of the most destructive crusades you can embark on, because you lose 100% of the time; reality is the only thing you can be certain of, you know something was meant to happen because it did- end of argument, forgive and move on.
This is one of your best tools. My life is empty, i have very little in it apart from running, the loss of running from my life is similar to me as the death of a child might be to a parent. Again it's down to how i manage it mentally; i'm extremely susceptible to anxiety and panic relating to loss because of trauma in my childhood. Take full advantage of all the people you have in your life and lean on them whenever you need to because they'll likely let you. I know the value of good company and how therapeutic it can be; from time to time people drop in and out of my life when they are in a temporary void themselves, an interim between an old relationship and a new one for example. My world temporarily becomes glorious technicolour before slipping quietly back to black and white; if you have a technicolour life i urge you to use the people in it to the full- they are worth their weight in gold in situations like yours, trust me.Quote:
Running isn’t my whole life
Gather your thoughts and tools for the task in hand. Don't aim to get back running, just aim to recover as far as you can in the time you have. Don't rush anything and pay no attention to recovery time estimates of any sort, you move at whatever speed the injury wants to go at- that is the only reality. Rushing will invite total disaster.
Plenty to chew over there Mr B. Thanks for getting all that down.Quote:
Originally Posted by mr brightside
For sure, a big injury like this does help get things into perspective. It could have been worse....
Mentally, the ups and downs have been, and continue to be, considerable. Fortunately, I've never had depression and whilst I can get down with specific problems, I do bounce back quickly, often within hours. I must be a natural optimist.
As to my malevolent knee, perhaps I was being somewhat gratuitous in my language. When I think back to my 30 degrees of flexion when I came out of the brace, and the 125 degrees I have today, there has been so much progress that I should be happy with the joint.
I have been painkiller-free for months now also. Having said that, I'm taking 4 days of anti-inflammatories to calm hamstring tendonosis (probably in the one from which tissue was taken to repair the ligaments.) This kind of glitch is pretty normal as the tissues start to load bear again.
I do believe that there can be few "better" preparations to deal with something like this than 32 years of ultra running. Patience was always critical as was an ability to solve problems on the hoof.
I've not once second-guessed the implications, if any, of my walk off on the smashed joint. I'm a mountaineer and its the automatic reaction to deal with any problem under your own steam if you can; pre-programmed almost.
My wife has been my major support but I have 2 children and 2 step children, even if these are spread far and wide now. All have made some kind of contribution. Friends pop in now and again but I'm pretty content not to have too much company.
What has been great has been to have the time to explore the depths of my foolishly large music collection. While I was on my back, the iPod was on most of the time and allowed me to get through some of the 19,000 songs that were on there. I've chucked a lot of stuff way CD sales via Music Magpie, generated a bit of cash and invested in some new stuff. Back up to about 15,000 songs. Massively therapeutic. And reading books of course.
I've purposefully stayed away from self-help type help sites or information and even on the Facebook Group I mention in the article, I've avoided the case studies. It's pretty clear that drawing parallels has little going for it. Knowing others are dealing with similar issues is enough. The timing will be what it will be. There is no rush...
I walked for an hour this morning along the Wharfe and expect that once my collar bone is fixed and healed I will be back on the road bike, though I'll wait for the weather to warm up a touch. I have enough knee flexion to peddle already, but little strength and stamina.
I can only wish you well with your various struggles. Fingers crossed you find some balance in the future.
Good, i'm glad you're going as well as you are. When you get back on the bike you may find things start to feel different. I've always found cycling draws heavily on the lateral muscles on your quads, which plays holy shit with my kneecap tracking. Running by comparison, in me at least, has a better balance accross the medial and lateral muscles. It may pay to get one of those cycling biomechanical assessments done right off the bat, that way you'll be ahead of the curve.
I suppose you could call this the next instalment, or a sequel or whatever.
I've been scribbling again to record where I have got to on the road to recovery:
https://www.irunfar.com/2018/03/tran...rarunning.html
I'm also pleased to report that I'm just back, with Alison, from 6 days hiking on La Gomera. We covered about 85kms over the 6 days with about 5,000m +/-. That's progress.
Morgan
Well written Morgan and great to hear you’re back on your feet. ‘H is for hawk’ sits nicely with your books if you haven’t already read it
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/H_is_for_Hawk
Yes, good to see that you are back Morgan, you may just have to change your 'Location: Stuck at home :-(' to something a little more current!
Excellent book Andrew. We have a copy somewhere. I suspect Alison borrowed it from my top shelf.Quote:
Originally Posted by Derby Tup
Maybe time to re-visit that one.
M
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris K
Chris
Good job someone is paying attention.
Just back from La Gomera where, with Alison's help (regular kicks up the arse essentially) I managed 85kms and 5,000m +/- over 6 days so things are improving.
Hope you're in good order.
Morgan
Good work Morgan. Here's me, no major accident or such like, but at 67 I'm struggling to articulate my knees properly just due to the stiffness of the ageing process.
Well done to Alison for pushing you along ...... I guess we could all do with a fiery little dominatrix to crack the whip and push us to greater efforts.
All The Best,
Ian.
'Out and about, slow but steady'.........yes Morgan much more positive:D! I'm probably slower than you, but really enjoying actually 'seeing' routes I used to run, however my knees are (at the moment) in better shape than WD (Ian) allowing me to make more use of 'granny gear' on the bike. The comments that follow your article just show how much true empathy there is with other endurance athletes, and well done on La Gomera, stunning.
''I guess we could all do with a fiery little dominatrix to crack the whip and push us to greater efforts.'' Quite right Ian!
ChrisQuote:
Originally Posted by Chris K
You are right. The comments have been fantastic.
I'm ready to get the road bike out but it won't stop snowing.......
I haven't reported Ian's comment back to Alison yet but I'm looking forward to doing that.
The best comment came from Robert Macfarlane who did read the piece and Tweeted me:
I read your piece on reading and recovering, and thought it a very fine, honest, moving piece of writing.
I'll take that to my grave.
If that is Robert Macfarlane as in the author, that is wonderful. His book 'Wild Places' has taken me out to remote places when I've physically not be able to get to places in person. Recovery reading is good!
Chris
Yes, that Robert Macfarlane.
His Twitter feed is a delight, especially his “word of the day” posted each morning at 7.00 am, and culled from the vast store of “outside words” he has collected and stored.
His effort to help re-wild our language first covered in “Landmarks” published in 2015.
Incredibly nice man and always ready to engage with you on a word or image.
As my iRF piece suggested, The Old Ways has had a big impact on the new, slower me.
Morgan
I've been meaning to update this, but got distracted.
The third and final instalment of the Buggered Knee trilogy did appear on iRunFar.com towards the end of 2018.
It's here:
https://www.irunfar.com/2018/10/the-...edemption.html
I've no idea if there is more writing in the tank. If there is it won't be about the recovery.
Plans for the year include a walking trip to El Hiero (Canaries), a week in Chamonix including supporting the nephew and partner doing the 90K race and, hopefully, a trek in the Langtang area in Nepal in October/November and a visit back to the school in Kathmandu to see the new building that we helped construct in 2017.
Cheers one and all.
Hi Morgan, the article has brought a tear to my eye, I know your planned trips for this year will go well now. If ever there was a relay for us 'maturing' fell runners, I'd happily do the down hill bit if you do the uphill and someone can take me to the top!
Fantastic writing Morgan. Thanks for sharing the link
Interested to know how your El Hierro trip goes. We went to La Gomera last December and had a great time. Tempted to try El Hierro next.
Superb. Best wishes Morgan for your expeditions and continuing recovery.
The Canaries are great. I've got Gran Canaria and La Palma trips coming up soon.