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Thread: Depression

  1. #321
    Master Stagger's Avatar
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    I'm on the drugs Luke (max dose) and they do help massively.

    Just by talking on here and reading replies is a help to us all.

    It lets us know we aren't suffering along.

    Goods word from Leaf too.

    Lets just keep talking and posting the problems on here no mater how small they are.

    Peer support is always here.

    All the best to both of you
    A quote,

    "The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall."

  2. #322
    Senior Member bigfella's Avatar
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    Leaf, whatever you may feel it is worth it. Everyone's situation is different, the NHS spends s on people with problems of their own making, e.g. smoking, alcohol abuse, overweight, .... your problem certainly isn't of your own doing. It may feel like something you ought to be able to fix yourself but you can't. My daughter was seriously ill with an eating disorder which has it's roots in low self esteem and depression, believe me this was a long haul, extended stay in hospital, counseling, anti-depressants and continued support from those around her including friends she had lost contact with. I think she's over the hump now and talks about all the help she had and acknowledges that despite what she thought at the time shoe couldn't have done it without help.
    Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

  3. #323
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leaf View Post
    Further to my earlier post about whether I can justify the cost to the NHS in treating me: whilst I appreciate the kind comments that I AM worth helping, it's still a serious point that I'm struggling with. Surely, with a very limited budget, the NHS would do better to treat mothers / fathers whose children rely on them than single, childless people? Selfishly, I'd like to think I've got this wrong and that my life is just as valuable, but as much as I think about it, I can't see it.

    So are people here just being kind (thank you), or is there really a reason to consider my life (and the lives of other single people with no dependants) as equally worth trying to help?
    Ah yes, Leaf: single, childless people aren't worth much. After all, what did Jesus of Nazareth, Queen Elizabeth the First or Ludwig van Beethoven ever do for society?

    But seriously, your life and health are just as valuable as anyone else's, regardless of marital status or parenthood. You may not be shaking up the world like the three people I mentioned above, but I'm sure you are making your contribution and that many people would be very upset if you weren't around any more.

    Where being single does make a difference is that it leaves you more vulnerable to depression. From my personal experience: more than 30 years ago, when I was single, difficulties at work led to me spiralling into a depression that it took me several months to recover from, even after I had resigned the job. I have had some very similar s**t dealt to me at work in the last two years, but have taken it on the chin without getting depressed. My marriage could not be described as perfect bliss, but it has given me that mental stability to fall back on.

    As for whether you are not worth being treated by the NHS: even the Prime Minister thinks that more resources should be devoted to mental health! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38548567

  4. #324
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    Leaf, the NHS is for all without discrimination. Your needs are as valid as any other....although stretching that to the p*ssed idiots that clog up A&E every Friday takes some doing!!
    I am Kuno.

  5. #325
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    Quote Originally Posted by mr brightside View Post
    It's a rough and lonely path trying to sort yourself out unaided though. Since re-injuring myself a week ago i've been in a lot of shit, i hate myself so completely for being reckless and all the coping strategies i have are powerless. The problem is that little things open the door to bigger, nastier things, and before you know it you simply can't face it any longer; before you know it you are fighting for a reason to stay alive. Going it alone has you reliant on favours a lot, which you don't necessarily feel you deserve depending upon how the problem is manipulating you.
    Mr B, I hope my facetious comment on your "comeback" thread didn't make you feel even worse about your injuries. We have all done silly things on training runs: try not to think about what you did, and concentrate on how you are going to get better. Can you still do cycling or some other form of exercise to generate some endorphins?
    And don't be shy of asking for help, from your friends, the NHS or anyone else.

  6. #326
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leaf View Post
    Further to my earlier post about whether I can justify the cost to the NHS in treating me: whilst I appreciate the kind comments that I AM worth helping, it's still a serious point that I'm struggling with. Surely, with a very limited budget, the NHS would do better to treat mothers / fathers whose children rely on them than single, childless people? Selfishly, I'd like to think I've got this wrong and that my life is just as valuable, but as much as I think about it, I can't see it.

    So are people here just being kind (thank you), or is there really a reason to consider my life (and the lives of other single people with no dependants) as equally worth trying to help?
    I'm really glad you homed in on this point, Leaf, it's something central to the problem and one that points in very specific directions.

    I don't think i'm worthy of people's time, money or affection; i have this deep seated belief that i am a worthless human being. It infects every aspect of my life like a cancer- i can't engage in relationships with lasses because i'm so insecure, i hate having to ask friends if i can hang out and spend most of my life alone and lonely, and oddly i'm incredibly uncomfortable with friends paying for drinks etc. and will always feel obliged to buy my own drinks so as not to be a burden. The worst part is relationships with lasses, i always end up being far too fond of my female friends because it's them i'm most comfortable with. It's like this curse i can't turn off, and it feels very inappropriate and uncalled-for sometimes. The sting comes when they end up seeing other lads, i don't feel jealous, just worthless and rejected. The sense of worthlessness also fiercely drives my need to kill myself when i'm in the grips of an attack of some sort.

    All of the emotions i suffer now, (worthlessness, rejection, isolation), i suffered as a child in what can be termed as a Traumatic Childhood Experience. When me and my younger brother used to fight i was always the one blamed for it and punished, he worked out how to get his own way by using this against me. Dad walked out when i was 2 or 3, and now i had mum sending me to my room for what felt like hours at a time, rejecting and isolating me. Crucially, she also took to calling me a "nasty little sod". What i now have to contend with as an adult is an powerful emotional centre in my subconscious mind that feels utterly worthless for no good reason, is absolutely petrified of rejection and will find it where it doesn't exist, and exploits my darkest insecurities in a 'nasty' manner and is completely ruthless and predatory in nature. It preys on me like a ferocious animal and it knows all my secret emotions and feelings, it selects situations involving lasses because it was my mother who created it in me as a 5yr old child. It undermines all of my friendships with females, especially those i'm most fond of, and i'm powerless to control it.

    With the help of someone i know who has a sideline interest in Psych-K, we were able to uncover all of this by messaging on facebook. The way it all ties in is something i could never have worked out on my own, and it was basically a favour for a friend; though we are going to do some Psych-K sessions on me at some point which might cost me the price of a consultation appointment at the clinic.

    Try looking in your childhood past for anything fitting this pattern.

    As for drugs, you have to be careful you don't end up dependant on them, that's my problem with them.

    Quote Originally Posted by anthonykay View Post
    Mr B, I hope my facetious comment on your "comeback" thread didn't make you feel even worse about your injuries. We have all done silly things on training runs: try not to think about what you did, and concentrate on how you are going to get better. Can you still do cycling or some other form of exercise to generate some endorphins?
    And don't be shy of asking for help, from your friends, the NHS or anyone else.
    No, not at all, it's fine. I can't do anything at all at the moment; my hip joint is inflamed which is causing muscle spasm in all my hip flexors. The spasm tightness has resulted in microtearing in just about every structure on the lateral side of my right knee, even getting a shower is challenging and requires a roller session afterwards.
    Can't climb for toffee...

  7. #327
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    Mr B, I am completely floored and humbled by your calm and rational dissection of the terrible mental curse you live with. Its moved me more than I care to admit. I have no idea what your relationship is like with your GP but if you printed what you have just written and placed it in front of them, it would be a very hard hearted medic who would not get you the most appropriate care.

    I would not know how to cope with these things myself. You are very strong to have got this far.
    I am Kuno.

  8. #328
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    Quote Originally Posted by mr brightside View Post
    No, not at all, it's fine. I can't do anything at all at the moment; my hip joint is inflamed which is causing muscle spasm in all my hip flexors. The spasm tightness has resulted in microtearing in just about every structure on the lateral side of my right knee, even getting a shower is challenging and requires a roller session afterwards.
    That injury sounds rather nasty; I do hope that you manage to recover fairly quickly.

    On your psychological difficulties, well done for identifying the cause. I hope you now find a way to defeat that nasty voice in your subconscious that is making you feel worthless and messing up your relationships. But I think this will need professional help, it's not like some running injuries that you can manage yourself at home.

  9. #329
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wheeze View Post
    Mr B, I am completely floored and humbled by your calm and rational dissection of the terrible mental curse you live with. Its moved me more than I care to admit. I have no idea what your relationship is like with your GP but if you printed what you have just written and placed it in front of them, it would be a very hard hearted medic who would not get you the most appropriate care.

    I would not know how to cope with these things myself. You are very strong to have got this far.
    Thanks, Wheeze, i learnt in the early days that being honest about what you are going through helps you significantly. I've got this far in my life by allowing part of me to accept the situation as an innate truth; an immovable object if you will. By accepting the situation it takes a lot of the hurt away, but only in the short term, in the long term it catches up with you again and you have to act. That's the problem with the black dog; it lives in your own subconscious mind, an area 20 times more powerful than the part you yourself have control over, and knows how to adapt and get round obstacles placed in front of it.

    One of the newest tricks 'the thing' (as i call it) is playing on me is to use my sense of worthlessness to make me believe i have shit on my friends or been absolutely foul-mouthed towards them. Again, it selects female friends because it knows my emotional weaknesses- relating to the fact i can't help liking them a bit too much. In my case a total lack of self-worth is one of the major factors underpinning the entire problem; but in everyday society this feeling is ridiculed and trivialised by most of the mentally healthy people who see it in others.

    It's very easy to underestimate the forces at work. When i started poking around a bit and using certain techniques to access my subconscious mind and interrogate it, i really opened Pandora's Box. If you had to add up all the times i wanted to break down into tears in all my years prior to beginning this process, i would need one hand and no thumbs. Fast forward to today and the pair of us wouldn't have enough fingers, thumbs or toes between us. The thing is that emotions as strong as bursting into floods of tears come from very deep emotional centres in the mind. By using these techniques i speak of, i can detect an untrue thought that my subconscious mind has attatched to as though it were true...when actually it wasn't. If my mind attatches to a thought like this, it breeds vast, impossibly complex stories that let the black dog in and then all hell breaks loose. All of this occurs without you even knowing it's going on, and even if you knew, it's going on in an area so powerful and inaccessible you maybe couldn't do anything about it anyway. It takes days for the dust of the black dog's little visit to settle, but when it does i can start to search for the untrue thought that began it all, and when i find it i know, and the whole thing comes crashing down like a house of cards.

    That's the basis of the coping mechanism, but to solve the problem i need to remove the belief that i am utterly worthless along with any other beliefs relating to the trauma i have been through during my younger years. Psych-K is one option, fingers crossed it works.
    Can't climb for toffee...

  10. #330
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    Quote Originally Posted by anthonykay View Post
    Ah yes, Leaf: single, childless people aren't worth much. After all, what did Jesus of Nazareth, Queen Elizabeth the First or Ludwig van Beethoven ever do for society?
    That made me smile - thanks!

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