A man walked into a psychiratists office wearing only a pair of cling film underpants
The psychiratist said 'I can clearly see your nuts'
A man walked into a psychiratists office wearing only a pair of cling film underpants
The psychiratist said 'I can clearly see your nuts'
A married couple were looking at a painting in an Edinburgh art gallery one day and were totally confused..the painting depicted three black men sitting totally naked on a park bench... two of the men had black penises ..but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator saw them pondering the painting and came over to offer his assistance
He went on and on and on for ten minutes or more about how the painting depicted the predominantally white patriachal suppression of the african cultural society, and of the inability for the black men to overcome this oppression in the modern world..He went on to add that some serious critics believe it to depict the cultural and sexual oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society
After the curator had left a scotsman in a kilt came over to the couple and asked if they would like to know what the painting was "really about" ??
The couple asked the scotsman "how would you know more about the painting than the curator of the gallery ??"
He replied "because I'm the artist that painted it !!"
In fact he said it had nothing at all to do with the representation or oppression of black or gay men at all..the're just three scottish coalminers and the one in the middle ....went home for lunch !!
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman" The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties" The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie" The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"? The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie" The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know" The barman said, "I remember on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it" The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened" "I DIED", said the Rabbit. "Blimey " said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause.
The rabbit said... "Mixing ma toasties "
Did you hear about the bomb disposal expert trying to defuse a tin of alpha betty spaghetti.........He thought if it went off it could spell disaster.
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'
As A Mom Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator. Shocked, She Asked What In The World Are You Doing?"
The Daughter Replied: "mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband! Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."
The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door.
Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator. To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said: "dad I'm Thirty-five, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."
A Couple Days Later, Mom Came Home From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places, The Living Room. She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch,downing A Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv. The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy.
The Wife Asked: "what The Hell Are You Doing?"
The Husband Replied: "i'm Watching Football With My Son-in-law.
It said on TV 'Please remember to look after your neighbours in the cold weather.' Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to check if i'm alright. The lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for the last 2 weeks
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I can hear someone coming. He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you could hear someone coming.... that was me.'
Women - A Chemical Analysis
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
Women - a chemical Analysis
Element - Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118, but know to vary from 100 to 460 lbs.
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
Physical Properties
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from Virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.
Common Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
Tests
1. Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
c) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
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