Joke

[emmilou]

Bloke parks his brand
new Porsche in front of the office to show it off
to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding
along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.

More than a little distraught, the Man grabs his mobile and calls the
police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a
chance to ask any questions, he starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how
long at
the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After he finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Porsche owners
are," he
says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice
anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the
bloke

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was
torn
off when the truck hit you."

Porsche owner looks down in absolute horror "F***ING
HELL!!!!!!" he
screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."

[emmilou]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ; ;



************************************************** ** ** **

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

[stevefoster]

They always ask at the doctors' office why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes, it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctors' receptionist who insists you tell her what's wrong with you and that too in a room full of other patients.

One day I was at my doctor's clinic waiting for my turn and an 86 year old man walked into the crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist asked,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist said, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is a problem with your ear or something like that, and then discuss the actual problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man answered, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," the man replied.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her adv ice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'"

The man replied, "I can't piss out of it,"

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[lilactime]

whats the first sign of madness ? suggs walking up your garden path .

[Swoop]

whats the first sign of madness ? suggs walking up your garden path .

Happens all the time to us............................ Our house is in the middle of our street!

[stevefoster]

Happens all the time to us............................ Our house is in the middle of our street!

Must be a House of Fun Embarrassment

[jodg]

Why men should never do agony aunt columns

Dear Roger,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila"



"Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Roger.

[stevefoster]

An Irishman applied for a Blacksmith's job,
When asked if he had any experience shoeing horses, he said no,
But he once told a Donkey to fcuk off

[IanDarkpeak]

2 black rats were having a chat down sewer whilst crawling through the filth trying to out do each other with interesting facts when one rat said
" I heard you were never more than 10 foot from a banker"

[Al Fowler]

An Irishman applied for a Blacksmith's job,
When asked if he had any experience shoeing horses, he said no,
But he once told a Donkey to fcuk off

Took me about 5 seconds but its a good'un that.








Merry have you got that crimewatch joke still?