Paddy is on a buiding site with murphy, Paddy said "i've had enough of working in this feckin place". He then proceeds to swinging off the light fitting saying "i'm a lightbulb, i'm a lightbulb"!! The foreman walks in and says "Paddy. you've gone mad, your sacked"!! Paddy walks off with a big smile on his face.
Murphy starts packing his gear up, the foreman says " where the hell do you think you're going"?
"well i cant work in the fecking dark" said Murphy!!
go play on the m 6, now, how does that sound
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A little lad, two years old, is in the bath playing with his b@lls and says to his mum, 'are these my brains mum?' 'Not yet, son', she replies
Poacher turned game-keeper
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint, please, and one for the road..."
That's terrible Dom!Originally Posted by dominion
Poacher turned game-keeper
Four fonts walk into a bar. Barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"That's terrible Dom!
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Fella walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for Goodfellas. Bloke behind counter says, we're not a video shop, this is a chip shop. Few minutes later fella's back and asks for The Sound of Music. Bloke frying chips tells him again, this is a chip shop. Few minutes later and fella's back asking for Saving Private Ryan. Bloke says to him, I told you before, this isn't a video shop, it's a fish and chip shop. Fella stands there for a few seconds and then asks, any chance of a Fish called Wanda then?!
Poacher turned game-keeper
I have just been taking part in a strawberry crushing competition, I came second.
A woman with no legs won it......jammy twat.
Rabbit walks into a butchers shop and asks "Got any carrots? The Butcher replies "No sir, this is a butchers, you want the greengrocer next door. The rabbit leaves but he's back 5 minutes later and asks again for some carrots and again the butcher has to explain that he wants the greengrocer next door.
5 minutes later the rabbit is back again and says
"Got any carrots?" The butcher has had enough of this and grabs hold of the rabbit and says "Look sonny, I've told you twice before, we don't sell carrots. You come in here again asking for carrots and do you know what I'll do? I'll pick you up by the scruff of your neck and nail you to that wall there, Ok?" "OK" says the rabbit and leaves.
5 minutes later he's back and says to the butcher "Got any nails?" "No" replies the butcher.
"Got any Carrots then?"
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.
George Orwell
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