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Thread: Today's Joke

  1. #1
    Master Amex's Avatar
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    Today's Joke

    One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you £100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk."
    The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.

    After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you £200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay."

    The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye.

    The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you £500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar."

    The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay.

    The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won £500.

    In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why.

    The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me £1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
    Going to try again....

  2. #2
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Brilliant. Got anymore to share Amex
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  3. #3
    Master Amex's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    A woman & her best friend are shopping for a wedding dress. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims;
    "you can't be serious, how can you wear white?"

    The woman asks why not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding and you're not a virgin!"

    "Oh, but I am" replied the woman.

    "How can that be?"

    My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it.

    My 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

    My 3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up.

    But don't worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get screwed!"
    Going to try again....

  4. #4
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Whats brown and Sticky

















    A stick
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  5. #5
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Have you seen that film - "Perverts say no?"

  6. #6
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by TheHeathens View Post
    Have you seen that film - "Perverts say no?"
    Yes its a classic
    Have you seen gayboys say no
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  7. #7
    Master Stick's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by TurboTom View Post
    Whats brown and Sticky



    A stick
    Oi!


    Did you hear about the magic tractor...?

    Went down the lane and turned into a field!

    Ok...
    ...there's a hill nearby missing its fool...

  8. #8
    Headmaster Grouse's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Haven't we been here before?

  9. #9
    Master Amex's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Grouse View Post
    Haven't we been here before?
    Yes
    but just trying to bring a smile
    Blind Inspector...
    A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

    The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

    The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

    The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

    "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

    "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

    "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

    "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"

    The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

    The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom door off a tuna boat!"
    Going to try again....

  10. #10
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

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