Today's Joke

[Alf]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***king wall

[skennaugh]

The man is sat at the bar, sobbing quietly into his drink.
The barman walks over and says "Whats up Dez"
Dez says " My four year old son has got my next door neighbour pregnant (sob, sob).
"F*** off" Says the barman, "that's impossible"
"No" Says Dez. "The little Bastard put pin holes in all my condoms"

[monkeynut]

man walks into superdrug asks do you have any kyjelly
the assistant replies no sorry have u tried boots
the man replies i wanna slide in not march in

[Carlos the Jackal]

why did the jelly baby go to school?




because he wanted to be a smartie

tee hee hee

[IanDarkpeak]

NEWS...NEWS...NEWS...

This just in......


STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[Alf]

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having
these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have
more responsible employees.

[The Navigator]

Tommy Cooper classic:

“ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on”


I said “You’re pulling my leg”

[Welsh Harrier]

What's the difference between a duck? I heard this one tonight and missed the punchline as everyone was laughing so much and wouldn't tell me!

[Multiterrainer]

Roy Hodgson was spotted driving away after the Merseyside derby today wearing no seatbelt, on his mobile, a can of stella in one hand, and driving 70 miles an hour in a thirty zone....


.......well he has got to get 3 points from somewhere

[dominion]

Roy Hodgson was spotted driving away after the Merseyside derby today wearing no seatbelt, on his mobile, a can of stella in one hand, and driving 70 miles an hour in a thirty zone....


.......well he has got to get 3 points from somewhere

Why can't any of the Liverpool players make decent pancakes??




.... They're all useless tossers..