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Thread: Today's Joke

  1. #11
    Grandmaster dominion's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    World's Shortest Fairy Tale ...

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'




    And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

    The end

  2. #12
    FellMonster
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    Re: Todays Joke

    According to the BBC- BA have asked staff to work for free or take unpaid leave for between 1 and 4 weeks....

    The chief executive Willie Walsh has, however, led the way by already agreeing to work unpaid in July, forgoing his month's salary of £61,000.
    Maybe he should be a premiership footballer with a wage like that

  3. #13

    Re: Todays Joke

    Susan Boyle is helping the fight against terrorism....now the muslims know what a virgin looks like theyr'e not so keen to become suicide bombers!!

  4. #14
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    Re: Todays Joke

    An ice-cream man was found dead yesterday, covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  5. #15
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    Re: Todays Joke

    How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

    It should be fairly obvious, look for the large grey animal with big ears and a trunk.

  6. #16
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by marty mcfly View Post
    How can you tell if there's a woman in your fridge?

    It should be fairly obvious, look for the large grey animal with big ears and a trunk.
    thats shocking
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  7. #17
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    Re: Todays Joke

    This punk sits down on a bench, next to an old man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares for a long time at the punks multicoloured Mohawk.

    The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

    The man replied "Yes, I once got drunk and shagged a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son?"

    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  8. #18
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    Re: Todays Joke

    I was a very happy man.
    My wonderful girlfriend
    and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
    decided to get married.
    There was only one little thing
    bothering me...
    It was her beautiful younger sister.
    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
    and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
    near me, and I always
    got more than a nice view. It had to be
    deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
    near anyone else.
    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
    come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
    arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for
    me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
    Well, I was in total shock,
    and couldn't say a word.
    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
    just come up and get me.'
    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
    I stood there for a moment, then turned
    and made a beeline straight to the front door.
    I opened the door,
    and headed straight towards my car.
    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
    We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
    And
    the moral of this story is:

    Always
    keep your condoms in your car.
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  9. #19

    Re: Todays Joke

    A newly wed couple had just moved into a new area and were keen to meet other people, so they decided to join their local church. They met up with the Vicar, who told them, 'We're not interested in having any part time undedicated members in our congregation. Belonging is a big commitment. So in order to test your resolve, I'm going to ask you to give up sex for 30 days. After all Jesus used to head out into the desert for 40 days at a time, so I don't think this is too much to ask. If you can pass this test, we'll let you in.' So the couple agree and go home. They come back 30 days later and the Vicar asks them 'How did it go?' The husband replies, 'For the first few weeks we were ok. But I started getting pretty pent up in the last half of the month. The final straw came on the 29th day. My wife dropped a lettuce on the floor and bent over to pick it up, and there I was staring at her nice firm bum sticking up at me. I mean I couldn't help it, I threw up her skirt and we had wild passionate sex right then and there.' The Vicar says, ' I'm sorry, but that means you will no longer be welcome in our Church.' 'To hell with that!' said the husband ' We'll no longer be welcome in Tesco's!'

  10. #20
    Master Ady In Accy's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Heard about the new social network site for wife beaters?























    www.twatter.com

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