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Thread: Today's Joke

  1. #21
    Grandmaster dominion's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Ferrari press release.

    The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

  2. #22
    Grandmaster + stevefoster's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
    Hills and Guinness!

  3. #23

    Re: Todays Joke

    Got a text today. It said " A.N.G.B."

    I thought, that's bang out of order.

  4. #24
    Super Moderator Derby Tup's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    A friend of mine's wife left him the other day and took their satellite dish along with his Bob Marley and the Wailers records......he's now No woman, no Sky
    Poacher turned game-keeper

  5. #25
    Grandmaster + stevefoster's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

    Night falls. First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

    Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

    Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!". So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day.

    The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut. "Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
    Hills and Guinness!

  6. #26
    Master Boy Wonder's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    I was at Stockholm International airport last week, and heard an announcement for Mr J. Bjornholm to go to gate 4 immediately as his flight was about to depart to Helsinki.

    Next thing you know, I saw him run past me and then disappear into Finn air.
    "You gotta put a little bit of ****ing fairy dust over the bastard"

  7. #27
    Master Nathaniel Lee's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    What keeps baby pigs warm ?

    An oinkubator.

  8. #28
    Master Al Fowler's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Ive heard it before but you cant not smile.

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

  9. #29
    Master noel's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    What's black and white and goes "oooooo"?

    A cow with no lips.
    No longer "resting"

  10. #30
    Grandmaster + stevefoster's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by noel View Post
    What's black and white and goes "oooooo"?

    A cow with no lips.
    Like that
    Hills and Guinness!

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