I watched a documentary last night on how ships are kept together..... Riveting!
I watched a documentary last night on how ships are kept together..... Riveting!
Bought a dog from the local Blacksmith last night, soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Hills and Guinness!
My sister and I watched 3 DVDs back to back last night. I was lucky, I was the one facing the telly!
My mate asked me why I kept a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. "That's Narnia business," I replied.
4 words you don't want to hear after sex ?
"How's about that then ?".
Because I’m blonde?
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food an drinks.
As the plane began to descend, he came swishing down the aisles and told us all, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly.
So if you could all put your trays up, that would be super!"
On his trip back up the aisles, he noticed this well dressed Arabic lady who hasn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brutes of engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.
"She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess, and I take orders from no one."To which, without a beat, he replied with a smile, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen. So I out rank you! Tray up, bitch!"
Last year a friend of mine replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo..... just because she's blonde doesn't mean that she is automatically stupid.
So, she told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told her last year.... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, she told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Did you hear about the fat magician?
He had plenty of Twix up his sleeve.
How does a dog know it needs to lose weight?
It's raining and its feet aren't getting wet.
Tuesday night special.
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