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Thread: Today's Joke

  1. #441
    Senior Member Hobbsy's Avatar
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    I've been worried that my wife might have Tourette's, so I took her to see the psychiatrist. After a couple of sessions, the psychiatrist asked me to come & see him.
    The good news was that, thankfully, she didn't have Tourette's. The bad news was that I am a c*** & she does want me to f*** off!

    I'll get my coat...!
    Last edited by Hobbsy; 23-12-2014 at 11:22 PM.
    Ian Roberts Fell Race. Dare you take on the Marsden Moor Tussocks? There's cake in it for you

  2. #442
    No, but now I know where my bro got it from


    Quote Originally Posted by Richard Head View Post
    Not been to see John Bishop have you mate, only he told that joke at The Hydro

  3. #443
    Senior Member Fnstein's Avatar
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    What is the difference between brussels sprouts and snot?





    Children will eat their snot!

  4. #444
    Senior Member William Clough's Avatar
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    I thought I saw Van Morrison go past my window this morning.
    But it turned out to be a Morrison's van reversing.
    Last edited by William Clough; 13-04-2015 at 10:15 PM.

  5. #445
    Senior Member William Clough's Avatar
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    I've got a Blur alarm clock, so I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I rudely get awakened by the dustmen....

  6. #446
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    A new pizza shop opened in our village.
    I rang up and ordered a thin supreme.
    15 minutes later Diana Ross turned up at the door.

  7. #447
    Senior Member William Clough's Avatar
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    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
    In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
    In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

    Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

  8. #448
    Moderator Mossdog's Avatar
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    A man walked into a Chemist shop and asked to buy a bar of soap. The Chemist said 'would you like it scented?'. The man said 'No thanks. I'll take it away with me now" !
    Am Yisrael Chai

  9. #449
    Master DrPatrickBarry's Avatar
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    THE OSTRICH

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
    ostrich.”
    "What's yours?"
    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
    "That will Be £9.40 please”

    The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
    payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
    hamburger, fries and a coke."
    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.”

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
    waitress.
    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
    salad," says the man.

    "Same," says the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
    it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
    change in your pocket every time?”

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
    found an old lamp.
    When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes
    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
    would always be there.”

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
    "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll
    always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
    money is always there," says the man.
    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?”

    The man sighs, pauses and answers.
    "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who
    agrees with everything I say."

  10. #450
    Moderator Mossdog's Avatar
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    I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition was to eat, drink and be Mary.
    Am Yisrael Chai

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