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Thread: Today's Joke

  1. #451
    Master Stagger's Avatar
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    Ha ha ha
    Last edited by Stagger; 06-07-2017 at 05:33 PM.
    A quote,

    "The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall."

  2. #452
    Master DrPatrickBarry's Avatar
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    This is not a joke but something that was on the Irish media this morning. Maybe I am a cruel person but I thought it was very funny. A woman sent an order to a bakery for a cake for her 2 yr old's birthday. Along with a USB stick containing a photo of "Pippa the Pig" that she wanted in icing on the cake. She received a cake with in-icing-on-the-top, a picture of the USB stick.

    The people in the bakery must have been thinking "what a strange woman".

  3. #453
    Master wheezing donkey's Avatar
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    A platoon of Desert Rats were pinned down in a waddi by a full regiment of Rommel's Afrika Corps.
    The platoon commander highlighted to his troops just how serious the situation was and asked for three volunteers to go off in different directions to seek re-inforcements.
    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman stepped forward ...... they were told that they could each take one 'luxury' item with them to assist their march across the desert.
    The Englishman requested a bottle of cold tea, to quench his thirst as he crossed the desert.
    The Scotsman requested a bottle of whiskey.
    The Irishman pointed to a bombed out truck and asked if he could take the door off it, to carry with him.
    The platoon commander was perplexed and asked the Irishman how the truck door would assist him in crossing the desert.
    Paddy replied, "If it gets really hot I'll be able to wind down the window!"
    I was a bit of an oddball until I was abducted by aliens; but I'm perfectly OK now!

  4. #454
    Senior Member William Clough's Avatar
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    Have you noticed how many racing drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
    Stirling Moss.
    Lewis Hamilton.
    Eddie Irvine.
    Ayr Town centre.

  5. #455
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    Quote Originally Posted by William Clough View Post
    Have you noticed how many racing drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
    Stirling Moss.
    Lewis Hamilton.
    Eddie Irvine.
    Ayr Town centre.
    There are 3 types of fish beginning and ending in a K:

    Killer Shark
    Kwik Save Haddock
    Kilmarnock

    the last one's a place.

  6. #456
    Master ba-ba's Avatar
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    there are three football teams in England with a swearword in their name.

    Arsenal, Scunthorpe and ****ing Manchester United
    Nic Barber, Pennine. Downhill Dandy

  7. #457
    Master Jez Hellewell's Avatar
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    I saw Michael J. Fox in a garden centre the other day...
    He had his back to the fuchsia.

  8. #458
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    Was he looking for a venus mcflytrap?
    Quote Originally Posted by Jez Hellewell View Post
    I saw Michael J. Fox in a garden centre the other day...
    He had his back to the fuchsia.

  9. #459
    Master Jez Hellewell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by benshep View Post
    Was he looking for a venus mcflytrap?
    Very good!

  10. #460
    Master Stagger's Avatar
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    After my gentle potter in the 37° heat, I comment to a road runner around the pool. "It was like running in a desert," she said she once did a "Blackpool 10k on the beach"

    I think we got our wires crossed.
    Heat was my point.
    Sand was hers.

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