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Thread: Today's Joke

  1. #41
    Master wharfeego's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by merrylegs View Post
    I don't get it
    But obviously Mrs. Lykes does
    Linda's partner's called Don Kiddick

  2. #42
    Master Multiterrainer's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by wharfeego View Post
    Linda's partner's called Don Kiddick

    ..and do they spend their holidays somewhere on the Uldale Fells?

  3. #43
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    Re: Todays Joke

    3 Parrots for sale in a local pet shop. First one is £100, Second is £200 and the Third is £15.

    Woman asks why is that one so cheap. Shopkeeper replied "it used to live in a brothel". The woman laughs and buys the parrot, when she gets home the parrot says "for **** sake another brothel". The woman laughs.

    Later on her 2 daughters get home from school. The parrot says "****ing hell 2 more prostitutes". They all laugh out loud.

    Then the woman's husband walks in from work. The parrot yells "alright keith"
    Trying to plod up hills every day slightly faster than the day before

  4. #44
    Master Pilgrim's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Got chucked out of a pub in the lake district last night...

    played 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' on the jukebox.

  5. #45
    Master Alf's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Some race organisers out there might have some sympathy with Patty



    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 1, 2008

    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
    We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
    A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
    This gathering is only for employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,

    Patty



    ************************************************** ********

    Company Memo
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 2, 2008

    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
    employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,

    Patty



    ************************************************** ********

    Company Memo
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 3, 2008

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?

    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.

    REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



    ************************************************** ********

    Company Memo
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    To: All Employees

    DATE: October 4, 2008

    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

    Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


    Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty




    ************************************************** ************************************************** *******

    Company Memo
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All F*%^ing Employees

    DATE: October 5, 2008

    RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarian pr**ks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
    feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The B*tch from H*ll!!!



    ************************************************** ********

    Company Memo
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

    DATE: October 6, 2008

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

    Joan
    No country for old men.

  6. #46
    Master Darth domain's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    chap goes to the chemist, says to the assistant, i need to get some tampax for my wife, assistant points him in the right direction. He comes back to the counter with a roll of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
    Assistant says i thought you wanted Tampax, i do said the guy, but i asked her to get me some ciggies yesterday, she bought me some tobbaco and ciggie papers
    So let the cow roll her own too!
    go play on the m 6, now, how does that sound

  7. #47
    Senior Member Trimm Trab's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Two geordie chocolate bars walking down the street.

    First one says 'How man, ah can smell cur-cu-nuts'

    Seconds one replies 'Ya bound-tee'.

    I'm here all week.

  8. #48
    Moderator noel's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by Trimm Trab View Post
    Two geordie chocolate bars walking down the street.

    First one says 'How man, ah can smell cur-cu-nuts'

    Seconds one replies 'Ya bound-tee'.

    I'm here all week.
    Forums were made for regional dialect based puns. Anyone fancy retelling the one about Noddy Holder in the gents outfitters?

  9. #49
    Moderator noel's Avatar
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Quote Originally Posted by noel View Post
    Forums were made for regional dialect based puns. Anyone fancy retelling the one about Noddy Holder in the gents outfitters?
    Too late, I've already found it. This is from an interview with the great man himself. The trick is to tell it in a strong black country accent (otherwise it doesn't work)

    It's set in 1974 and I'm playing the Pop Star, shopping in a trendy boutique. I try on a pair of gold lame loon pants, and I'm admiring them in the mirror when the assistant asks if I'd like to try on a silver shirt too, which I do, and that looks fantastic too. The outfit's really taking shape. Then the assistant says "would sir like a kipper tie?" I reply "Not 'alf, I'm parched. Milk and two sugars, please."

  10. #50
    lasscriqua
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    Re: Todays Joke

    Does this make us a monkey's uncle????
    'Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

    The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

    They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
    Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.'

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