Linda's partner's called Don Kiddick:DQuote:
Originally Posted by merrylegs
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Linda's partner's called Don Kiddick:DQuote:
Originally Posted by merrylegs
Quote:
Originally Posted by wharfeego
..and do they spend their holidays somewhere on the Uldale Fells? ;)
3 Parrots for sale in a local pet shop. First one is £100, Second is £200 and the Third is £15.
Woman asks why is that one so cheap. Shopkeeper replied "it used to live in a brothel". The woman laughs and buys the parrot, when she gets home the parrot says "for **** sake another brothel". The woman laughs.
Later on her 2 daughters get home from school. The parrot says "****ing hell 2 more prostitutes". They all laugh out loud.
Then the woman's husband walks in from work. The parrot yells "alright keith"
Got chucked out of a pub in the lake district last night...
played 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' on the jukebox.
Some race organisers out there might have some sympathy with Patty :D
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
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Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
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Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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Company Memo
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pr**ks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
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Company Memo
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
chap goes to the chemist, says to the assistant, i need to get some tampax for my wife, assistant points him in the right direction. He comes back to the counter with a roll of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
Assistant says i thought you wanted Tampax, i do said the guy, but i asked her to get me some ciggies yesterday, she bought me some tobbaco and ciggie papers
So let the cow roll her own too!
Two geordie chocolate bars walking down the street.
First one says 'How man, ah can smell cur-cu-nuts'
Seconds one replies 'Ya bound-tee'.
I'm here all week.
Forums were made for regional dialect based puns. :rolleyes: Anyone fancy retelling the one about Noddy Holder in the gents outfitters?Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimm Trab
Too late, I've already found it. This is from an interview with the great man himself. The trick is to tell it in a strong black country accent (otherwise it doesn't work)Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
It's set in 1974 and I'm playing the Pop Star, shopping in a trendy boutique. I try on a pair of gold lame loon pants, and I'm admiring them in the mirror when the assistant asks if I'd like to try on a silver shirt too, which I do, and that looks fantastic too. The outfit's really taking shape. Then the assistant says "would sir like a kipper tie?" I reply "Not 'alf, I'm parched. Milk and two sugars, please."
:p
Does this make us a monkey's uncle????
'Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.'
This reminds me about how foreign aid works.Quote:
Originally Posted by lasscriqua
After the Second World War America agreed to provide food aid to the Far East and discovered that the islanders wanted sardines.
America provided serveral hundred tons of sardines and the people didn't starve. Unfortunately this diminished the supplies of sardines and the market price increased dramatically. The people soon found that it was better to sell their free sardines back to the Americans and use the money to buy cheaper food. Naturally the people had to keep the supply of free sardines in order to maintain the economy. So they hoodwinked the Americans into believing that they were still starving and, of course, the Americans bought up all the sardines on the market and gave them straight back to the people.
The people behind the scam made a fortune while the poor people managed to survive and Americans believed they were saving the islanders.
This is how foreign aid works.
I remember listening to an interesting radio debate in which a guy from some African country was putting to case for stopping all foreign aid. He used many exampes to show that it didn't help, for reasons like destroying markets, propping up corrupt governments, maintaining people in long-term poverty etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by XRunner
Anyway, I think we have drifted somewhat off the topic of this thread.
What's red and invisible?
No strawberries. :confused:
Dating My Daughter
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
I agree with all the above :D
SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS!!!!
***************************
It has been announced that next years shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said ' to sponsor a c**t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about'
:cool: :D
Very funny SteveQuote:
Originally Posted by Amex
I'm going to get this framed and mounted on the front door.
What am I saying...tut..tut.
I've already promised my daughter she can go out with who she likes, when she likes, where she likes........
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as soon as she reaches 31;):D
true story;Quote:
Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak
when I was area manager for the company I worked for I was having a similar discussion with one of my warehouse managers just after my daughter was born. I mentioned the worry to come and asked him how he coped.
He told me he allowed his 15 year old to have sex in her bedroom in his house.:eek:
I asked him why and he told me he knew she was having sex from 14 but could do nothing about it as she would dissappear with the boyfriend(s) even if he confined her to the house.
In the end it was safer for him to allow it in his house as he had some control over it :eek:
I would have just shot him:(Quote:
Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak
The boyfriend or the Warehouse manager??? :confused: :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Amex
How do you find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?
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Just follow the Fresh Prints.
Wayne Bridge sent his bird a life size sculpture of his dick made from Cadburys chocolate, she wasn't impressed and said she preferred Terrys...
The Black Bra
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
Fabio Capello has just rung Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry has lost the England captains armband. He asked Wayne to have a look for it under his bed when he gets homeQuote:
Originally Posted by dominion
You need to know your 80's sweets for this one...........
What should you do if you get a peanut stuck in your ear ?
Pour in some chocolate & it'll come out a treat !
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. . . 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied
not really a joke but a true fact that happened to me when i went to see the specialist at BRI for my throat.
the specialist told me i had to stop w******* and i asked why. he said it was because he was trying to examine me.
If you have to take up cross country running it helps if you start with a small country first
Shamelessly plagiarised from Milton Jones:
'As a forensic pathologist for the UN I came across a mass grave of thousands of snowmen. Later we found out it was a field of carrots'
A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds .
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.
Sorry no time for jokes, i've just taken delivery of my new Toyota and i'm out for a spin, anyway wil chat later can't stop now.
Be careful not to use the accelerator or the brake. These Toyotas can be a bit dodgy you know.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nee Bother
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'.
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Mrs Grace - a primary school teacher - is teaching her children about subtraction.
"If there are 7 birds on a branch and you shoot one, how many are left?" She asks Johnny
"None" replies Johnny "They would all fly away"
"No, the answers 6" says Mrs Grace "But I like the way you think"
"Let me ask you a question Miss." Says Johnny
"OK ..." Replies Mrs Grace reluctantly
"If there are 3 woman eating ice-cream, one sucking, one licking and one chewing, which one is married?" Johnny asks
"The one that's sucking?" Mrs Grace replies nervously
Johnny replies "No, the one that's wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"
what do you call a 30 year old girl from daventry ? nan
My mate was working near Fratton Park the other day and noticed 5 Portsmouth season tickets nailed to the trees outside the ground. " i'll have those" he says........." you can never have too many nails!!!"
This rather long winded joke was on a birthday card I bought for my nephew in a Spa in Leicester earlier this week.
A young man applies for his first job as a sales assistant in a department store.
The manager says do you think you can sell things "oh yes" he says.
At the end of the first day the manager approaches the young man and asked how many customers he made a sale to. "one" said the young man, "only one " said the manager "most of the other salespeople make between 20 and 30 sales a day, how much was this sale for"?
"£750,000" replied the young man
"750,000" what did you sell him?
"well first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium one, then a carbon fibre fishing rod, then we talked about how the best fish were off land so I took him to our boat department and sold him a motor boat and then he realised he needed to transport it so i took him to our car department and sold him a brand new 4X4".
"Thats amazing you sold him all that when he only came in for a small fish hook".
"Well" said the young man, "he actually came in asking for a packet of tampons for his girlfriend, so I said as your weekends f***ked you may as well go fishing?"
and don't open the doors when the engine is running or you will let the clutch outQuote:
Originally Posted by noel
I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.
from my 76 year old dad who should know better.
Subject: Murder at Tesco
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..
(You're going to hate me for this .... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
And another one
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
'Mary, Mary, are you there?'
'Is that you, Fred?
'Yes. I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, the golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven!'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Berkshire.'
another one from my aged father
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had
told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.