Today's Joke

This should be under the YouTube Thread but couldn't find it ??

This is however very funny. It's in 4 parts so I'll let you find the others. This is part 2 but I must warn you when you start you will watch it all. Dry non PC humour at it's best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-...eature=related

Classic stuff but make sure you have time to watch it.....

Very good Ian, typical Army humour, love it. And Royal Marines really do hold hands and know where the best men in skirts hang out:p

And only two things fall out the sky, Bird Sh!t and Paras:D

mangoes into a bar....


Attachment 4526


here's a link to flesh (:thunbdown:) the 'joke' out a bit.
http://www.barmango.com/

A Leeds man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.

He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.


The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.

The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41. The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled...

While you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return"

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman...

This is why they survive

Why men shouldnt be agony aunts:

Dear Jim
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't restart, I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Please can you help me, I'm desperate!

Dear reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Jim.

Visited my wifes grave today. She doesn't know about it though, she thinks I'm making a pond.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a top Golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at Bluewater now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £ 2,000 Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Range Rover dealership and saw the latest model, I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' £90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £ 980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.

I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"








The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him.

A man is having terrible headaches. He can’t sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn’t determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I’ve found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men’s shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You’re a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I’ve been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You’re amazing."

"Hey, I’ve been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let’s go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I’m disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I’ve been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It’s obvious you know your business but I’ve worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I’ll sell you whatever you want. But I’ve been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it’s gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."

How the Internet started:-

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price, and the sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and
prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks, and Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham. and because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot
Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's
Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!! Would I lie unto thee??????