-
Re: Todays Joke
Will this cleanse me of my Sins?!?
There once was a young woman who went to
confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said,
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be
forgiven."
She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband
made passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then
drink the juice."
She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!
-
Re: Todays Joke
Defaced signage chuckles galour.....................
http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brill...-meaning-signs
-
Re: Todays Joke
[QUOTE=PaulE;451657]Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.QUOTE]
Am liking this muchly!
-
Re: Todays Joke
-
Re: Todays Joke
Actual Bumper Stickers
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather - not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Bad Cop! No donut!
-
Re: Todays Joke
It’s you
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry.
"Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It’s you he’s fond of."
-
Re: Todays Joke
Did you hear about the finalists in the sketching contest?
No one won... it was a draw.
(Can't find a "Groan" smiley!:rolleyes:)
-
Re: Todays Joke
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
-
Re: Todays Joke
-
Re: Todays Joke
Bobby Charlton was a guest of Roberto Mancini at the Etihad Stadium last weekend. In the hospitality lounge after the game, Mancini asked Bobby ''How d'you think the current City team would fare against the Utd team of 1968?''
Charlton replies ''I think it'd be a close run thing, maybe a draw''. Mancini walks away feeling very pleased with himself ,when Charlton shouts across the room
''Mind you,we haven't trained in 30 years''...
