Bulking Up

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Hi Eavesy. I was only considering a bat because there's a lot of posers in my profession and going into work with bruises on your head is a big no no. So you think I shouldn't use a bat? My friend suggested a pool ball in a sock or a belt with a big metal buckle - what do you think? I'm not sure I could accurately hit his nose so not sure.

Judging by your forum name, you're a girl / woman but you seem to know how to fight. Have you done one of those Martial Arts for women courses? Do you have any last minute tips? I was reading on the internet about them and the women always seem to overpower much bigger men which is what I need to do.

Your friend,

John

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Sorry Eavesy but even though this whole thread is a wind-up I just had to:)) at that!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3K-mrlYG7Y

Everything you could possibly need there!

Update: Spoke for ages with my new girlfriend on the phone today and she reckons that until I confront him, there'll always be the threat hanging over me.

Didnt get to finish the conversation because she finished her shift but I know what I've got to do now. I'm going to go to my mates now to watch Bloodsport and have a few WKDs as well.

We're gonna go to the pub later armed with my washing up liquid bottle but I've added some ammonia that I got from work as I reckon the combination will sting his eyes more. I'm going to try and talk to him first but will use it in self-defence if needed. I've also taken on board what Eavesy said about grabbing his ear so will try that if the piss mixture doesn't work.

Thanks for all your kind words and support guys. I'm feeling like a massive weights been lifted off my shoulders.

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Judging by your forum name, you're a girl / woman but you seem to know how to fight. Have you done one of those Martial Arts for women courses? Do you have any last minute tips? I was reading on the internet about them and the women always seem to overpower much bigger men which is what I need to do.

Your friend,

John

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Ha ha ha amazing, you caught me out.

Here's my highlight real

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXCPEl9rtS8

good luck tonight JohnM32,
Try and get one of your mates to film the action. It'd be great to see the highlights on you tube or Crimewatch

Trainee hairdresser, tanked up on WKD, toting a Squeezy bottle full of piss and ammonia. Sounds messy to me :closed:

Can you put this on the jukebox just before you take him down?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6ofPNrYTpw

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

I'm feeling like a massive weights been lifted off my shoulders.

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It's probably your head, you'll be reet without it, don't think you've used it much. Give him less to aim for as well. Good luck Pissboy:thumbup:

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Originally Posted by eavesy187

Ha ha ha amazing, you caught me out.

Here's my highlight real

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXCPEl9rtS8

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Wow, she's gorgeous:) she would probably knock me out with one punch!!!:D

Good luck John, wonder how it's going/gone? could be all done and dusted now.

I hear someone's been picked up by the police wandering the streets covered head to toe in his own urine, with a rounders bat sticking out his @rse.

I hope it's not our John.

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Originally Posted by Skarsnik

no, this may bring back bad memories of Clubber Lang.

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My mother hits harder than him:closed:

Notice you were up and about early this morning John. Did all that WKD interrupt your sleep, or were you using the Wi-Fi in the local A&E after taking a bit of a beating? :closed:

I hardly slept last night for worrying about plucky John... when I reached for the washing-up liquid this morning it was almost too much to bear.

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Originally Posted by Hank

I hardly slept last night for worrying about plucky John... when I reached for the washing-up liquid this morning it was almost too much to bear.

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Same here. When I played my daily game of rounders this morning I winced .

I switched on the news this morning, expecting to see Kate Adie or Ross Kemp reporting from some wrecked northern pub, but its' all gone very quiet. Did John M32 bottle it?

No News yet?:w00t::rolleyes:

I'm not sure I can take any more of the not knowing:confused:
Oh plucky John how did you get on?:)

I’ve been following this thread with interest. I have an awful feeling John is languishing in some hell hole police station in the North of England, shivering in the bare corner of a concrete cell, his chinos (I’m sure he must wear them) soaked in a urine/ammonia/washing up liquid/ mix, his eyes red from the salt tears he has cried since his incarceration, his dreams plagued with the memory of what he did last night, his dreams of celebrity hairdressing shattered.

To paraphrase Clint Eastwood;
‘Squirting piss at a man is a hell of a thing to do. You take away all he is and all he’ll ever be, even if that is based around catering’.

Oh John, what have you done?

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Originally Posted by Hank

I hardly slept last night for worrying about plucky John... when I reached for the washing-up liquid this morning it was almost too much to bear.

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I had a similar thought this morning whilst stood at the toilet....

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Originally Posted by Duff

I’ve been following this thread with interest. I have an awful feeling John is languishing in some hell hole police station in the North of England, shivering in the bare corner of a concrete cell, his chinos (I’m sure he must wear them) soaked in a urine/ammonia/washing up liquid/ mix, his eyes red from the salt tears he has cried since his incarceration, his dreams plagued with the memory of what he did last night, his dreams of celebrity hairdressing shattered.

To paraphrase Clint Eastwood;
‘Squirting piss at a man is a hell of a thing to do. You take away all he is and all he’ll ever be, even if that is based around catering’.

Oh John, what have you done?

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Great stuff:)

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd give you an update on what happened. I would have come on earlier but I don't have my phone any more so not been able to get on the internet very easily. My mum doesn't like me using the internet much after catching me on sites showing you how to make home made weapons.

Me and my friend went to the pub after having a few drinks at his and I was feeling confident that I had taken on board all the advice given on here. I'd pre-mixed my washing up liquid and perfected the flip cap technique so was ready to go.

Anyway, the guy came in with with just the one of his mates who I thought looked like a rugby player. We managed to avoid their attention for most of the night but they were between me and the toilet and the WKDs had worked their way through my system and I was bursting for a piss. When he went outside for a smoke, I took my chance and rushed to the loo. I was as quick as I can but its quite hard to piss quickly so I ended up with a lot of splashback.

I was leaving the toilet and as I opened the door, I was confronted by this guy and his mate. Remembering Eavesy's advice, I tried to take him by surprise and went for the ear but I think I'd had too many drinks as I ended up stroking him on the cheek which didn't go down too well. The guy then started shouting "you f*cking f*aggot, get off me" so I went for plan B and started to reach into my pocket for the bottle. His mate saw me reaching for the pocket and shouted "he's got a weapon" as he rugby tackled me to the floor. They searched my pockets and took my phone and the bottle.

The guy who has been after me took the bottle and looked at it. "What's this? It smells like piss" as he threw it on the floor. The bottle exploded as it hit the floor - presumably because of the ammonia and bicarbonate of soda that I'd added to it - and it soaked all 3 of us.

I managed to wriggle free in the disruption and legged it out the door but he still has my phone and was on my facebook all day yesterday pretending to be me leaving nasty messages. He also sent me a message saying that I'm going to get a beating for the incident in the pub.

Got to go now. My mum's telling me to get off the internet.

John

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd give you an update on what happened. I would have come on earlier but I don't have my phone any more so not been able to get on the internet very easily. My mum doesn't like me using the internet much after catching me on sites showing you how to make home made weapons.

Me and my friend went to the pub after having a few drinks at his and I was feeling confident that I had taken on board all the advice given on here. I'd pre-mixed my washing up liquid and perfected the flip cap technique so was ready to go.

Anyway, the guy came in with with just the one of his mates who I thought looked like a rugby player. We managed to avoid their attention for most of the night but they were between me and the toilet and the WKDs had worked their way through my system and I was bursting for a piss. When he went outside for a smoke, I took my chance and rushed to the loo. I was as quick as I can but its quite hard to piss quickly so I ended up with a lot of splashback.

I was leaving the toilet and as I opened the door, I was confronted by this guy and his mate. Remembering Eavesy's advice, I tried to take him by surprise and went for the ear but I think I'd had too many drinks as I ended up stroking him on the cheek which didn't go down too well. The guy then started shouting "you f*cking f*aggot, get off me" so I went for plan B and started to reach into my pocket for the bottle. His mate saw me reaching for the pocket and shouted "he's got a weapon" as he rugby tackled me to the floor. They searched my pockets and took my phone and the bottle.

The guy who has been after me took the bottle and looked at it. "What's this? It smells like piss" as he threw it on the floor. The bottle exploded as it hit the floor - presumably because of the ammonia and bicarbonate of soda that I'd added to it - and it soaked all 3 of us.

I managed to wriggle free in the disruption and legged it out the door but he still has my phone and was on my facebook all day yesterday pretending to be me leaving nasty messages. He also sent me a message saying that I'm going to get a beating for the incident in the pub.

Got to go now. My mum's telling me to get off the internet.

John

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Looking forward to the next instalment already John:rolleyes:

Just one piece of advice - get off the WKD and start drinking proper real ale:wink:

Love the bit about mum's concern about home made weapons

Are you sure she's your mother?

Just spoke to my new girlfriend at her work. I am so over that guys girlfriend - I know I'm only young but I think she may be The One.

Think I'm gonna call back and ask for her mobile so I can call her after her shift. She's a TV star - she'll be on Sky tonight. Channel 906

Ever thought about writing a book John? You seem very good at fictional work. Lot of money in it. You could buy your new girlfriend some clothes, she doesn't seem to have much to wear:p

What does your mother make of your new girlfriend, John? Has she been round for tea yet?
Glad the pub incident went ok, with not too much bloodshed. Dunno what to suggest about the phone, though. Perhaps others on here will have an idea...

well done John M32,
Sounds like you got away pretty lightly the other night. I'd've thought your average nutter, plus rugby pal, both covered in piss, wouldn't've needed a 2nd invitation to finish you off!
Stay lucky!

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Originally Posted by Multiterrainer

Just one piece of advice - get off the WKD and start drinking proper real ale:wink:

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Multiterrainer, I wish that you hadn't provided me with this advice. I went to visit my friend Mike in Sheffield for the weekend and he took me to this pub called the Frog and Parrot where we were drinking an ale called Roger and Out, although they only served it in half pints.

I dont want to go into too much detail but my friends dad had to put us both in the bath at 3am as we were covered in sick. However, Mike's dad reckons that I did a dirty protest in the bath whilst he was washing me. He then put me to bed in Mike's bed and when he checked on me, I'd opened his underwear drawer and had been sick in it. I think I'll stick to the WKD in future.

Been to a Military Fitness Class this morning - feel stronger already. Have got Kickboxing on Tuesday.

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Originally Posted by plodding bear

What does your mother make of your new girlfriend, John? Has she been round for tea yet?
Glad the pub incident went ok, with not too much bloodshed. Dunno what to suggest about the phone, though. Perhaps others on here will have an idea...

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Thanks Plodding Bear. She's not given me her mobile number yet so not been able to arrange a meeting. Have spoken to her over the last few days a couple of times and she always laughs at my jokes so its a good start.

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Multiterrainer, I wish that you hadn't provided me with this advice. I went to visit my friend Mike in Sheffield for the weekend and he took me to this pub called the Frog and Parrot where we were drinking an ale called Roger and Out, although they only served it in half pints.

I dont want to go into too much detail but my friends dad had to put us both in the bath at 3am as we were covered in sick. However, Mike's dad reckons that I did a dirty protest in the bath whilst he was washing me. He then put me to bed in Mike's bed and when he checked on me, I'd opened his underwear drawer and had been sick in it. I think I'll stick to the WKD in future.

Been to a Military Fitness Class this morning - feel stronger already. Have got Kickboxing on Tuesday.

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In the Army bulking up is slang for being sick, well done John, you've cracked it:thumbup:

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Multiterrainer, I wish that you hadn't provided me with this advice. I went to visit my friend Mike in Sheffield for the weekend and he took me to this pub called the Frog and Parrot where we were drinking an ale called Roger and Out, although they only served it in half pints.

I dont want to go into too much detail but my friends dad had to put us both in the bath at 3am as we were covered in sick. However, Mike's dad reckons that I did a dirty protest in the bath whilst he was washing me. He then put me to bed in Mike's bed and when he checked on me, I'd opened his underwear drawer and had been sick in it. I think I'll stick to the WKD in future.

Been to a Military Fitness Class this morning - feel stronger already. Have got Kickboxing on Tuesday.

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I do apologise for that advice John, but I think you've finally been rumbled - you see being a member of CAMRA (& having lived in Sheffield in 1983-84) I know all about the Frog & Parrot and sadly it is no longer a brewpub and Roger & Out is now unfortunately 'Out' although the current pub does have sell the Frog's Bollocks!! :p

I hope mother doesn't find out you've been telling little porkies on t'internet;)

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Originally Posted by Multiterrainer

I do apologise for that advice John, but I think you've finally been rumbled - you see being a member of CAMRA (& having lived in Sheffield in 1983-84) I know all about the Frog & Parrot and sadly it is no longer a brewpub and Roger & Out is now unfortunately 'Out' although the current pub does have sell the Frog's Bollocks!! :p

I hope mother doesn't find out you've been telling little porkies on t'internet;)

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Multiterrainer, you are right. I was sure we'd been drinking Roger & Out but apparently my mate said he told me that they used to serve it but that it was Abbot Ale that we were drinking - he went to the bar all night because I've got a dodgy knee from the incident in the pub.

I don't know anything about real ales (apart from them making you sh!t) and don't plan on trying them out again - I'll stick to my WKD or this new Stella Cidre from now on.

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Multiterrainer, you are right. I was sure we'd been drinking Roger & Out but apparently my mate said he told me that they used to serve it but that it was Abbot Ale that we were drinking - he went to the bar all night because I've got a dodgy knee from the incident in the pub.

I don't know anything about real ales (apart from them making you sh!t) and don't plan on trying them out again - I'll stick to my WKD or this new Stella Cidre from now on.

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Good reply John;)

John, if you tell me your girlfriend's 'name', I might be able to get her number for you later on tonight...

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Originally Posted by JohnM32

Just spoke to my new girlfriend at her work. I am so over that guys girlfriend - I know I'm only young but I think she may be The One.

Think I'm gonna call back and ask for her mobile so I can call her after her shift. She's a TV star - she'll be on Sky tonight. Channel 906

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John, please tread carefully. Check that she doesn't have a boyfriend, in particular check that she doesn't have a boyfriend who attends the same college as you.
There's a danger that the whole saga might start again and your mum won't be pleased if another washing up liquid bottle disappears.

I should imagine she has lots of gentlemen 'callers'...
but that's not to say you won't be her special fellah, John.

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Originally Posted by Skarsnik

Also, get Kick Ass on dvd. Might give you some ideas.

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Skarsnik, I'm so glad that you suggested this. My life has turned around and I even made it onto Granada Tonight and youtube

It wasn't so good over the last few weeks but I'm back on the beat protecting the streets of Salford now.

Hows tricks John?

Good thanks Al. You?