Today's Joke

A hyena can only go to one watering hole as it's the only one for miles around. To get there he has to go through a clearing but every time he does a lion jumps out and beats him up.
This happens day after day and he's getting sick of it.
One day he staggers down to the watering hole after a particularly savage beating and gets talking to his mate the rhino.
He asks the rhino if he'll go with him the next day to protect him from the lion "of course" says the rhino.

So, the next day they set off together, hyena in front, rhino behind and sure enough on reaching the clearing out pops the lion and starts beating up the hyena.

The rhino just stands and watches.
10 minutes later the lion runs off and the hyena, lying bruised and battered askes him why he didn't intervene.


"Weeeelll" says the rhino, " you were laughing so much I thought you were enjoying it!"

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

My wife came home really upset earlier and asked me to console her.
So I hit her with the X-box.

two sausages in a pan. One says to other ' its hot in ere!'
other says 'f*in ell a talking sausage!!'

Santa say's to his Elf, "I'm getting sick of this. It's the same old shit every year. Running about like a prat in this stupid, red costume and at the end of it all I always end up with nothing." The elf say's, "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels...!

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

Did you hear about the bloke with five willies?









His pants fit him like a glove.

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

Daddy calls ...
- "Hello?"

- "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

- "No Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

- "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Paul."

- "Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

- "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car just pulled into the driveway."

- "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

- "I did it Daddy."

- "And what happened honey?" he asked.

- "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!"

- "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

- "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

- "What swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"

While I was “flying” down the road yesterday (20 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a traffic cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and hate, asked “What’s your hurry?”

I replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the patrolman, “what do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I politely responded.

The patrolman stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” ask the astounded Plod.

“Give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge.”