Today's Joke

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***king wall

The man is sat at the bar, sobbing quietly into his drink.
The barman walks over and says "Whats up Dez"
Dez says " My four year old son has got my next door neighbour pregnant (sob, sob).
"F*** off" Says the barman, "that's impossible"
"No" Says Dez. "The little Bastard put pin holes in all my condoms"

man walks into superdrug asks do you have any kyjelly
the assistant replies no sorry have u tried boots
the man replies i wanna slide in not march in

why did the jelly baby go to school?




because he wanted to be a smartie

tee hee hee

NEWS...NEWS...NEWS...

This just in......


STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her bum.

This outrage shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his Fosters.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having
these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have
more responsible employees.

Tommy Cooper classic:

“ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on”


I said “You’re pulling my leg”

What's the difference between a duck? I heard this one tonight and missed the punchline as everyone was laughing so much and wouldn't tell me!

Roy Hodgson was spotted driving away after the Merseyside derby today wearing no seatbelt, on his mobile, a can of stella in one hand, and driving 70 miles an hour in a thirty zone....


.......well he has got to get 3 points from somewhere:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Multiterrainer

Roy Hodgson was spotted driving away after the Merseyside derby today wearing no seatbelt, on his mobile, a can of stella in one hand, and driving 70 miles an hour in a thirty zone....


.......well he has got to get 3 points from somewhere:D

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Why can't any of the Liverpool players make decent pancakes??




.... They're all useless tossers..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Welsh Harrier

What's the difference between a duck?

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They both have 2 legs.

Thanks WP!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Witton Park

They both have 2 legs.

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I remember it as "One of their legs are both the same"

Johnny's farm trip:

Attachment 4049

this rooney baiting has gone too far . saw a bloke outside old trafford burning effigys of him . oh hang on it was a baked spud van !

What's pink and fluffy?




Pink fluff

This bloke came up to me last night and started throwing cheese, milk and yoghurt at me,

I said to Mrs Superfly "How very dare he?"

Attachment 4119

He Said To Me!



He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?





He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing butfart




He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.






He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts (rhymes with flicking) his (rhymes with Hut). The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

Got offered a Job as a banker in Seoul
Had to turn it down though as I thought that Korea was wrong for me

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter, Candy.'

He turned to the second Mother Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mother Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered ...
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets go pick Willy up from school.'

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CEO.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

i went into a shop today and a guy attacked me with a pint of milk and a piece of cheese
I thought how dare 'ee

An office manager from Wal-Mart in Toronto, Canada was given the task of
hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man from England on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the
way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he asked the second man from Italy.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man from Calgary,
Canada who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.

Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer
was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man from Malta, the interviewer posed the
same question.

The last man [Maltese] replied, "After hearing the three previous answers,
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain."
said the Maltese man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I
ran for the bathroom. But, before I could ...
THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.

The Maltese Got the Job.

Came over all emotional at the petrol station today.................
..............I just started filling up.

There will be heavy snow!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stagger

There will be heavy snow!

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The joke is clearly on the weather forecasters!

"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. “I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent & of course United States and Canada stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

I phoned up the LibDem office earlier today and asked if they'd send me a copy of their manifesto.
The bloke said "I''m sorry, but we've sold out."
I said "I know, and I'm sorry too, but I'd still like you to send me a copy."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years..
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.


'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored. I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'




'You're simply going through the change!

Aussies Score card:thumbup::w00t::D

Sepp Blatter has been asked: "who is your favourite Qatar player ?"


"Eric Clapton", he replied.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jez Hellewell

Sepp Blatter has been asked: "who is your favourite Qatar player ?"


"Eric Clapton", he replied.

---

excellent

FIVE GERMANS...

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-AA!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking DA law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Gazza turned up at Mike Ashley's office Monday
morning with a can of beer, some chicken and a
fishing rod to try and stop him before he
did something stupid...

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to
bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut
that does the trick!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by wharfeego

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to
bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut
that does the trick!"

---

This works better than tea:thumbup:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stevefoster

This works better than tea:thumbup:

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Haha! Nice one steve!

http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/6462/bungle.jpg

Best Aussie Pick-Up Line Ever!

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.":wink: