Woke up this morning to find lots of snow everywhere and thought that it would be a nice idea to indulge in a bit of sledging so I rang up Ricky Ponting and called him a cock.
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Woke up this morning to find lots of snow everywhere and thought that it would be a nice idea to indulge in a bit of sledging so I rang up Ricky Ponting and called him a cock.
Only In Ireland!
http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/4...getrimming.jpg
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?
Because he said he wouldn't.
I agree with Nick!Quote:
Originally Posted by Grouse
last night my girlfriend asked mr for something 10 inches long and hard . so i gave her my old sock from under the bed .
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said: "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Rafael Benitez
http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/8...piccondoms.jpg
I said to the wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived from E-Bay and .... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
In Blackpool, the RSPCA have bin called in after reports of 11 donkeys being found badly beaten.
my girlfriend asked me to go out and buy something that made her look sexy . should have seen the look on her face when i came back with a 24 pack of stella !
Ooh, the missus and I liked those !Quote:
Originally Posted by emmilou
Banned from Sainsbury's -Didn't like shopping there anyway
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
This will go down well in my year 11 class tomorrow morning!
Only the British would get this one!...
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctors' offices on
everything from tissues to note pads.
This one should get First prize....
http://img819.imageshack.us/img819/1...downloadje.jpg
I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician”.
This thread is cool. Keep them coming.
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
Tommy Cooper went down to the corner shop....bought four corners!
Zoo keeper says to paddy ' the Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it, would you consider shagging it for £500?' Paddy replies 'I will on 3 conditions.
1st, I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd, My family must never know.
3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the money together.
Bloke gets home and presents his wife with a huge bouquet of flowers.
His wife thanks him, gives him a sly look, and says "I suppose you will be expecting me to open my legs now?"
Bloke says "Well actually I was going to put them in a vase". ;)
Guy in the pub chatting to his friends:-
Guy - "guess what, I'm sleeping with twins! what do you say to that"
friend - "well done! but how do you tell them apart?"
Guy - "that's easy, Julie has blonde hair and Steve has a moustache"
:D
What's Black and White and eats like a Horse?
A Zebra:rolleyes:
Little boy says to his Grandad 'Grandad, make a noise like a frog'
'Whatever for?' says Grandad
'Cos Dad says when grandad croaks, we're off to Florida'
A block in a nightclub see's a big fat girl stood at the bar. He walks over to her and says "have you got a pen"?
She turned round and looked up with a big smile "yes"
"Good" he says, "you'd best f*** of back to it then before the farmer notices your missing!!
Piggin good one Al.Quote:
Originally Posted by Al Fowler
An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
It's a joke how old folk are treated!
Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly... if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay £5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
good post
my mate said he was shagging identical twins ! i said lucky sod how do you tell them apart ? he said jennys got big tits and daves got a moustache !
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation...
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"
The Black Lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."
This should be under the YouTube Thread but couldn't find it ??
This is however very funny. It's in 4 parts so I'll let you find the others. This is part 2 but I must warn you when you start you will watch it all. Dry non PC humour at it's best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-...eature=related
Classic stuff but make sure you have time to watch it.....
Very good Ian, typical Army humour, love it. And Royal Marines really do hold hands and know where the best men in skirts hang out:p
And only two things fall out the sky, Bird Sh!t and Paras:D
mangoes into a bar....
Attachment 4526
here's a link to flesh (:thunbdown:) the 'joke' out a bit.
http://www.barmango.com/
A Leeds man walks into a High Street bank & asks for a loan.
He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41. The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled...
While you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?
The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in Leeds can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return"
Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman...
This is why they survive
Why men shouldnt be agony aunts:
Dear Jim
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't restart, I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Please can you help me, I'm desperate!
Dear reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Jim.
Visited my wifes grave today. She doesn't know about it though, she thinks I'm making a pond.
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a top Golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at Bluewater now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £ 2,000 Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Range Rover dealership and saw the latest model, I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: ' £90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £ 980,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.
I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him.
A man is having terrible headaches. He can’t sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn’t determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I’ve found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."
The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men’s shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.
"Sure," says the tailor. "You’re a 42 long, right?"
"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.
"Hey, I’ve been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."
The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.
"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.
"Right again!" said the man. "You’re amazing."
"Hey, I’ve been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".
The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let’s go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."
The tailor said, "36 right?"
"I’m disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."
The tailor said, "Hey, I’ve been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."
The man replied, "It’s obvious you know your business but I’ve worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one".
"Hey look," said the tailor, "I’ll sell you whatever you want. But I’ve been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it’s gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."
How the Internet started:-
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ...
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price, and the sale can be made on
the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and
prosecuted - for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads
and drumsticks, and Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is
being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham. and because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot
Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to
locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's
Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And that is how it all began.
Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!! Would I lie unto thee??????