Sometimes words are inadequate...
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Sometimes words are inadequate...
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From me too. Group hug xQuote:
Originally Posted by Leaf
Thankyou. It really helps to see it written down and know that your not alone.
Your replies are meaning full.
Whatever the question is you will never find the answer in the bottom of a bottle. Oh, and alcohol isn't wise if you're taking anti-depressants. You can end up on a three or four day "downer", especially if you have a few days back - to - back on the pop. Keep your head up Trev and hope to catch up with you sooner rather than later
I hope tomorrow is the start of some genuine progress for you, Leaf. Depression typically takes a long time to get to grips with, but you have to start somewhere.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaf
And I will join in RTS's "group hug" for Stagger. Reminds me a bit of the Book of Job: bloke who has everything, then loses everything; chapter 3 is an amazing rant where he lets all his suicidal feelings hang out. [Unlike Graham Breeze, who recently quoted 22 verses of the Bible in full on another thread, I will leave you to seek this out for yourselves.] I found this so refreshing when I discovered it, at a time when I was feeling a bit down.
Thanks DT and I know you are right but struggle to see the light.Quote:
Originally Posted by Derby Tup
I would just like it all to be over asap.
All the best tomorrow Leaf
I know what that feels like pal. Weds of last week i was having panic attacks on the half hour for 6hrs or so. At the peaks, all i could do was stare into my toolbox and identify the thing that would kill me the quickest; stanley knife, long terminal screwdriver etc. I just needed the security of knowing there was a way out of i needed it. What stopped me, and has always stopped me, is knowing that i'd be letting down 2 or 3 key people in my life. There's always someone who'd have to suffer the rest of their lives if i gave in, someone who would never forgive me for not picking up the phone and just ringing. I've regularly in past weeks found myself stood at the chopping board, not chopping broccoli like i should be, but just staring at the knife. Get enough sleep aswell, your brain needs it to repair.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagger
Thanks Luke.
The bit I want over is the divorce and this year.
Self harm is not on my agenda at the moment.
Thinking about you Leaf, hope all goes well.
Aye, thoughts with you Leaf. Hope your session helps. My guess is it will
Anyone any positives on divorce?
Struggling to get it in my head.
Postives on divorce? er... no.... it's awful. Like having your arm pulled off - without anaesthetic - and then you keep wondering why you can't hold a knife and fork any more.
Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but that's my experience. Others, no doubt, will be more helpful. Although, perhaps, my contribution might also be helpful in that, as awful as it was (and it was), I survived. I'm still here. and I even manage to run sometimes.
To all those who've offered kind words of support about my psych assessment yesterday - thank you. It's surprisingly helpful to know you were thinking of me and wishing me well - perhaps it made me feel not quite as much that I'm doing this all on my own.
So how did it go? OK, I guess. I managed to answer most questions. My brain 'froze' and refused to think in a few instances - self-protection, I suppose, but the psychologist took pity on me and backed off to safer ground, so to speak. So I got through it and said more than I thought I would or could and I didn't cry - result!
The not so good thing, however, is that we didn't get through all the requisite questions, so I've got to go back and - due to the introduction of new computer systems and then Christmas - it won't be until January, which feels a long time to have it hanging over me.
Also, there's no guarantee that they'll offer me any help at the end of it and - even if they do - apparently there's another long wait before that would happen.
I felt emotionally battered and bruised after the appointment, which is why I didn't post here sooner.
And on top of it all, I fear that I am just being a wasteful drain on over-stretched NHS resources.
If you've read this far, then thanks for 'listening'.
Your feelings are normal after a session as it's brought a lot of emotions out of you.
Well done you leaf, first step towards sorting out some of your stuff.
Oh, crying is allowed and there is nowt wrong with it.
Well done LEAF, you've grasped the nettle:- acknowledged your situation and that you need help and you have taken the first step towards recovery.
Having worked with your ex, I know something of the betrayal and turmoil that he put you through. You deserve all of our support and empathy.
If a non-judgemental, "listening ear" would help? Don't be afraid to PM.
Ian.
Just to mention - I am a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist working in the Peak District under the NHS.
There should be free to access Talking Therapy (such as CBT/counselling) throughout the UK. Waiting times will vary no doubt.
If anyone would like advice on accessing any of these services please feel free to message me and I'll try to help out.
Good shout Sasquatch.
Do you do brain transplants, Sasquatch? Reckon that's what I need.
Well well well, I went out for a run this morning. First since 29th Aug. Only 2.5m on road very steady, but it is a start. Legs and lung's know about it.
I need to get out of the divorce and over weight cycle.
Hopefully getting out running again might just help.
Brilliant stuff Stagger!
To mis-quote that hairy old Chinese proverb, 'a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step'. And you have made that step. Careful now, 2.5 miles is quite a lot on deconditioned limbs. Take it slow and steady but just enjoy the freedom.
Onwards and upwards.
The first run after a long lay-off is always the most difficult; so well done, and it can only get better from here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagger
Running should help with the over weight problem, although I'm not sure how it can help with the divorce; but maybe it will help you to think more clearly about that.
Me = chuffed to hear this. Made my day. Hope this is a way you find to cope Stagger. With friends around every corner you will never be short a mate to run with, a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to you :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagger
I've read this thread totally at a loss what to say. But its good to see you move forward Stagger, if only one small step...which may turn out to be massive. I guess, like a lot of this stuff, its one step at a time...sometimes forward, occasionally back. As with a lot of people on the FRA site, I don't really know you or your situation but I do hope you're ok, and on the rise.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagger
Thankyou for your support forumittes.
I feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.
Now I understand why as we get fitter we train more regularly.
Hopefully I will get out again this week.
Once again, thanks. Support is precious in the dark times.
Injury has prevented me from running for two weeks now.
So if you need motivation to kick yourself out the door and go for a run, Stagger, perhaps it would help to think you're doing a little run on my behalf?
I NEED to run.
My head needs me to run.
Have you got a bike Leaf? Or fit enough to walk? Getting out of the house is number one priority for me if I'm not well, especially in winter
It's warming to see so much support for each other. I've been off this thread for a while - bloody black dog had a go! As someone who's been at this a while, I have to say that I find being kind & patient with myself is the best method of handling the dog. Nowadays my dog is more a stupid yappy thing rather than the rottweiler of the early days. And it's getting smaller.
This has come about by trying to move forward in life by facing forward. I have regrets but I've learned not avoid dwelling. This was shown to me by a friend who went through a divorce involving kids. His Mum was brilliant by keeping him focussed on the one to one time he could get with his kids without the emotional mess of his ex. When the property etc bit was resolved he had to go for a much smaller place to live. As he says, going through the divorce, he could not see his life ever being what it is now. If he looks backwards he'd fill up with regret but going forward : he's warm & dry, skint, free & happy. He reckons the he gets more time with the kids as his ex isn't there. Calm after the storm.
You can survive this illness. The support here is clearly endless. There will be lighter times. New Year = New horizons- keep facing forward whilst moving forward.
Lovely wise words Last Man Home, very inspiring and I'm glad it's helped you to control your demons. I'd go a little further though and add not to just look forward but also to be careful to enjoy every good moment in the present. The future we might want may never come but we can enjoy and do plenty in the present moment to make the chances of future moments being bright that bit better.
I'm lucky enough not to be on the same scale as any of you on here but I have my periods in time where I sink a little. I've found that, in those times, I must bring my focus back to the minutiae and concentrate on the simple things in front of me which give me great pleasure, rather than worrying about the future or having any regrets about the past. A simple walk along the lochside, focusing deeply on the movement of the tide, the colours of the seaweeds, the patterns of the rocks etc works wonders and, if I find my mind wondering to other thoughts, I bring it back to that focus.
That's why running is so good, especially on the fells. Our focus is on the present moment, everything is concentrated on that next footfall. There's no time for wandering thoughts. It's great that you're out and about again Stagger, persevere and you will be rewarded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Last Man Home
Don't know if I am ready for Christmas this time.
Still working and not a present purchased yet.
No food either.
Gunner be a busy couple of days.
Just wish my divorce was sorted and I. Could start the new year with a fresh slate.
Bloody hard work and plays on my mind constantly.
Be a relief at when it's over.
I can start to rebuild my family life with my boys and new girlfriend.
My second psych assessment appointment (we didn't get through all the questions in the first appointment at the start of December) was cancelled 30 minutes before it was due to start, due to sudden illness, so it's been put back another two weeks.
Not complaining. It's no-one's fault. Just wanted to tell someone.
I understand Leaf and you have done the right thing.
Just posting on here is minor to some but massive in our heads.
Are you looking forward to your next session?
No. Not at all. I found the first one quite draining.
My greatest concern is that, after all the assessment questions, they'll say they can't offer any help. I know the NHS budget is extremely stretched and could probably be MUCH better spent than on people such as me, but I fear for the future if I'm left to try to sort myself out unaided.
How are you doing, Stagger?
That is just not true, your need is just as great as the next person although it may not seem it to you right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaf
I'm plodding along day to day.
I found the sessions tough and emotional.
As big fella said you are very important and deserve the treatment to get you better.
Keep your dialogue going on here, it's always nice to know your not alone.
Thinking about you Leaf��
The NHS tend towards quickly putting you on drugs, or so i'm told. I daren't approach them because i don't know whether they'll have my best interests at heart, they are an organisation now doing things from a financial perspective not a care perspective.Quote:
Originally Posted by Leaf
It's a rough and lonely path trying to sort yourself out unaided though. Since re-injuring myself a week ago i've been in a lot of shit, i hate myself so completely for being reckless and all the coping strategies i have are powerless. The problem is that little things open the door to bigger, nastier things, and before you know it you simply can't face it any longer; before you know it you are fighting for a reason to stay alive. Going it alone has you reliant on favours a lot, which you don't necessarily feel you deserve depending upon how the problem is manipulating you.
You're probably better off with the NHS for now, insist on a talking therapy of some sort, try and be firm and see where it gets you.
Mr Brightside - I'm so sorry to hear that you're injured again and feeling so awful. I'm also sorry that I cannot find any Helpful, Uplifting and Encouraging words to cheer you - I really wish I could. All I can offer you at the moment is compassion.
Don't give up.
Further to my earlier post about whether I can justify the cost to the NHS in treating me: whilst I appreciate the kind comments that I AM worth helping, it's still a serious point that I'm struggling with. Surely, with a very limited budget, the NHS would do better to treat mothers / fathers whose children rely on them than single, childless people? Selfishly, I'd like to think I've got this wrong and that my life is just as valuable, but as much as I think about it, I can't see it.
So are people here just being kind (thank you), or is there really a reason to consider my life (and the lives of other single people with no dependants) as equally worth trying to help?
A further thought for Mr Brightside - I think drugs can really help some people. In case you're one such person, wouldn't it be worth trying?