My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A group of mothers are sitting in a psychologists's office with their children for group therapy. The psychologist knows all of the parents' and kids' names, and starts going around the room by telling people their problems. To the first woman, he says,
"You named your daughter Penny. You're obsessed with money." To the second woman, he says,
"You named your daughter Candy. You're obsessed with food." To the third:
"You named your daughter Sherry. You're obsessed with alcohol." at this point the fourth woman turns to her little boy and says in a low voice,
"Let's go, Dick."
A guy goes into a toy store to buy a barbiedoll for his niece. He's overwhelmed by all the choices. Barbie comes with this house and this car etc. He asked the saleslady "Does Barbie come with Ken?" She says "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she only fakes it with Ken."
A woman is in a doctor's office waiting room, and right before she's called to see the doctor she sees a really pale looking nun walking out of the office. When she sees the doctor, she asks him,
"What was wrong with that nun?"
"I told her she was pregnant," the doctor replied.
"Was she?!?"
"No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!!!"
An Englishman, welshman and west indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
"There's just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me," says the west indian, "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son."
The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you're coming from, mate, but one of these babies is welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk."
Hee Hee :))Quote:
Originally Posted by Witton Park
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced
'all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'......
The poor barman was almost crushed to death!
Went to the doctors today as I'm having trouble with my hearing. He asked me to describe the symptoms. I told him that Homer was a fat lazy man & Marge had got blue hair.
How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again
You forgot that nine members will argue that, no matter how quick that young, Spanish runner can change a light bulb, he'll never change it better than Billy Bland.
I think you'll find that the light bulb has always been perfectly acceptable, and if it was good enough thirty years ago I really can't see why it needs changing now.Quote:
Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak
What Category is this light bulb, anyway?Quote:
Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak
Light bulbs? Spawn of the Devil, haven't had one of them in our house for 25 years.
How many G4S security staff does it take to change a light bulb????
6 soldiers and a policeman.
Is the policeman there to hit the old bulb with his baton?Quote:
Originally Posted by Don't fear the sweeper
I went to a private zoo the other day. There was only one animal, a dog. It was a shih-tzu
I've just taken part in the suntanning Olympics.....I got Bronze!
I only seem to be able to recognize 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why!
Bloody hell Swoop stop it ! My friend has a brake fluid addiction ,tells me he can stop anytime he wants to though.Quote:
Originally Posted by Swoop
I watched a documentary last night on how ships are kept together..... Riveting!
Bought a dog from the local Blacksmith last night, soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
My sister and I watched 3 DVDs back to back last night. I was lucky, I was the one facing the telly!
My mate asked me why I kept a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. "That's Narnia business," I replied.
4 words you don't want to hear after sex ?
"How's about that then ?".
Because I’m blonde?
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food an drinks.
As the plane began to descend, he came swishing down the aisles and told us all, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly.
So if you could all put your trays up, that would be super!"
On his trip back up the aisles, he noticed this well dressed Arabic lady who hasn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brutes of engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.
"She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess, and I take orders from no one."To which, without a beat, he replied with a smile, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen. So I out rank you! Tray up, bitch!"
Last year a friend of mine replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo..... just because she's blonde doesn't mean that she is automatically stupid.
So, she told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told her last year.... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, she told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Did you hear about the fat magician?
He had plenty of Twix up his sleeve.
How does a dog know it needs to lose weight?
It's raining and its feet aren't getting wet.
Tuesday night special.
A hyena can only go to one watering hole as it's the only one for miles around. To get there he has to go through a clearing but every time he does a lion jumps out and beats him up.
This happens day after day and he's getting sick of it.
One day he staggers down to the watering hole after a particularly savage beating and gets talking to his mate the rhino.
He asks the rhino if he'll go with him the next day to protect him from the lion "of course" says the rhino.
So, the next day they set off together, hyena in front, rhino behind and sure enough on reaching the clearing out pops the lion and starts beating up the hyena.
The rhino just stands and watches.
10 minutes later the lion runs off and the hyena, lying bruised and battered askes him why he didn't intervene.
"Weeeelll" says the rhino, " you were laughing so much I thought you were enjoying it!"
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
My wife came home really upset earlier and asked me to console her.
So I hit her with the X-box.
two sausages in a pan. One says to other ' its hot in ere!'
other says 'f*in ell a talking sausage!!'
Santa say's to his Elf, "I'm getting sick of this. It's the same old shit every year. Running about like a prat in this stupid, red costume and at the end of it all I always end up with nothing." The elf say's, "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels...!
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.
The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''
Did you hear about the bloke with five willies?
His pants fit him like a glove.
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
Daddy calls ...
- "Hello?"
- "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
- "No Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
- "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Paul."
- "Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
- "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car just pulled into the driveway."
- "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
- "I did it Daddy."
- "And what happened honey?" he asked.
- "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!"
- "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
- "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
- "What swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"
While I was “flying” down the road yesterday (20 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a traffic cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and hate, asked “What’s your hurry?”
I replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the patrolman, “what do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I politely responded.
The patrolman stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” ask the astounded Plod.
“Give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge.”