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Thread: Boulsworth

  1. #1

    Boulsworth

    Boulsworth Fell Race

    Traditionally Boulsworth coincides with the extremely popular Trawden & District Agricultural Show. Unfortunately this year the show was cancelled after falling foul of the recent deluge of wet weather. Credit where it’s due the fell race remained and unsurprisingly fellrunners turned up in their droves.

    On the morning of the race it was looking doubtful that I’d be in attendance as we’d experienced a water based problem of our own. My wife had rang whilst I was out walking the dog and informed me she was struggling with a dripping tap in the kitchen. I enquired on the severity of the drip - apparently it was pissing out. Once home I get straight to work and tell Alison there’s no need to call a plumber as I’ve got it covered. Alison tells me that she likes me doing manly jobs about the house, I then spontaneously go for the high-five and yell - “hell yeah”....I’m left hanging.

    With my wife’s confession in mind I over-egg the pudding and exaggerate the difficulty of the task in hand. I start talking nonsense about pressure relief valves and the likelihood that I could potentially flood the kitchen if I damage the taps internal mechanism - the trickiest bit being the intricate removal of the flux capacitor. Alison breathes out a huge sigh and calls me Marty Mcfly - I’d forgotten she’s excellent with film trivia. She then starts brushing the dog whilst muttering - “Nellie, your dad thinks I was born yesterday, flux capacitor my arse”. Feeling slightly crestfallen after being rumbled I donned my tool belt for the effect of heightened masculinity and fill it with an array of tools, many of which aren’t required but add to the facade. Nonetheless, Alison looks impressed. Nellie also looks impressed as she enjoys being brushed but will frequently sit down when her back end is approached - who can blame her? I attempt to talk Alison through the procedure I’ll be applying in the dismantling of the leaky tap. She tells me “too many cooks spoil the broth” and leaves me to “crack-on”.

    When I’d finished Alison compliments me on my manliness and praises the practicality of my tool belt. She reminds me of when I purchased the belt - we’d nipped into Lidl for a tomato, mozzarella and basil bruschetta but they’d sold out so I bought the belt as a rash purchase from the non-food aisle. It was certainly a comfort buy - retail therapy to improve my mood after the bruschetta disappointment. Alison bought some solar powered garden lights - they’ve been disappointingly shit. Thus far my tool belt is proving to be the more astute purchase.

    Boulsworth Hill is the highest point of the South Pennines with Trawden being the nearest village to the summit. Driving to the race it’s evident from fleeting glances that the residents of Trawden are some way behind their neighbours from Colne where a trend in fashion wear called ‘Athleisure’ is concerned. The wearing of casual clothing designed to be worn both for exercising and for general use has really gripped the East Lancashire market town of Colne. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an abundance of comfortable clothing in any one town - black leggings being especially popular. The shape and size of the leggings wearers seemingly isn’t an issue, surprising given the unflattering nature of tight polyester - when it falls into the wrong hands. What’s even more surprising is the towns biggest retailer: Boundary Mills has a mirror department which evidently doesn’t get frequented by the good folk of Colne. However, they remain undeterred and whatever the social occasion: whether they’re shopping, relishing a McDonald’s, donkey stoning their doorstep or simply letting their dogs shit on the pavement - the residents of Colne are leading the way in slovenly relaxed standards of dress...typical given Colne’s close proximity to Burnley.

    The race route is a mixture of track, farmland and open moor, with the bogs on Boulsworth making for a fantastic descent. Well done race winners Ben Fish and Annie Roberts. Many thanks to Jamie and helpers for all their efforts - especially given the challenging conditions surrounding the event. Fingers crossed for good weather and a bumper turnout at next years Agricultural Show.

    Whilst driving through Colne on the way home I spotted a poster advertising the upcoming ‘Rhythm and Blues Festival’. The festival is held annually within the town and attracts thousands of visitors. We went a few years ago - I just wish I’d have taken Big Dave’s number when I had the chance. I never actually met Big Dave, I just happened to read some graffiti he’d left in the toilets of a town centre pub - it was practically a resume. Big Dave sounded too good to be true: he was offering his services free of change, unless he was required to travel outside the district then he’d charge minimal travelling expenses. He confessed to being extremely clean and tidy and had never received any complaints. Furthermore there’s nothing he won’t do as he’s very open minded and experienced. I’ve often wondered why he was called Big Dave - maybe he had an underactive thyroid or a slow metabolism? Big Dave certainly didn’t see his size as a problem as he claimed to have incredible staying power. Credit where it’s due - Big Dave sounded like a grafter with excellent credentials, I hope he found plenty of work. In hindsight not taking Big Dave’s number was a missed opportunity, especially since Alison has recently given me a list of jobs that need doing around the house. I’m particularly not looking forward to re-siliconing the shower, I bet Big Dave would’ve taken great delight in giving me a hand! Alison says I had a lucky escape never meeting Big Dave...whatever does she mean?

    Apparently everyone knows at least one person called Dave. Coincidentally I work with a bloke called Dave who played football for Colne Dynamoes until the club was dissolved in 1990. Dave continued to ply his trade as a professional footballer in the lower leagues with the highlight of his career being the two goals he scored against Liverpool during a Cup game whilst playing for Chesterfield. The game was played at Anfield and ended 4-4...Dave’s subsequent comment whilst being interviewed after the game - “We thought there’d be eight goals in it - but we didn’t think we’d get four of them” is still widely remembered within footballing circles. I often ask Dave about his footballing days, Dave’s subsequent comment - “the immense delight and satisfaction I experienced on that night at Anfield as never been matched whilst I’ve been working on the shop floor” is still widely remembered within BAE Systems circles - as stating the f**king obvious.

    Right... where did I put that tool belt? - it’s time to buckle up and man up.

    Hell yeah!
    Last edited by Tindersticks; 15-08-2019 at 07:15 AM.
    Darren Fishwick, Chorley.

  2. #2
    Master Witton Park's Avatar
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    Nice article Daz, how did the race go though?


    I'd never heard the term "South Pennines" so thanks for that. A little odd though that the South Pennines are some way north of the southernmost Pennines.
    Richard Taylor
    "William Tell could take an apple off your head. Taylor could take out a processed pea."
    Sid Waddell

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