Labour Pains

[Wheeze]

Picture the scene.

It's a typical house for a busy young couple expecting No 2. A half-renovated semi. On a dreary wet October Saturday afternoon. A 2 year old toddler is busy making mayhem, the in-laws (hers) are busily getting in the way trying to help. The dog is going into labour and the better half has retired to a hot bath with backache ( and hopefully nothing more).

So.

The 'man' of the house is busy in the attic deperately looking for something to make a birthing box...for the dog! There's a loud yell from downstairs. 'If you don't come quick, your wife will give birth in the bath!'
In the scramble to get down, there is close call with a broken ceiling and a broken leg but eventually the better half is bundled into the car for rapid transit to the local hospital. But it is 5pm on a Saturday. The road is infested with brain-dead shoppers. And it is chucking it down. Nothing for it but to put into practise the misgotten hours of watching The Sweeney and The Professionals, stick the headlamps on full beam, lean on the horn and blast down the middle of the road. The tyres and the passenger are both squealing.

But the hospital car park is finally gained, a wheelchair summoned and trial by lift endured. 'Hurry up luvvy or we'll be poppin' out in this lift' is the grave prediction of the attending health professional. 'Give me some bl**dy gas!!' is the impassioned plea of the passenger. Alas, no gas until the refuge of the delivery suite by which time the plea's have turned to daggered demands and the AHP is looking very worried indeed. At last succour arrives in the form of a clanking blue cylinder...'GIVE ME THE F**KIN MASK!!' suuuuucccckkk.............
''It's bloody empty",
'No dear, its not. I checked the guage'.
Suuuuuuccckkkkkk...........'It's BLOODY EMP...........Arrgh no, you useless man, you gave me the mask upside dow...ow, ow, OWWWW'.
'Howl, wa, wa'.
'Ah congratulations to both of you, its a little boy'.
She 'Ow'.
He (removing a surgical gas mask from his arse) 'Ow'
Son 'gurgle'.

The Scientologists say that gentleness and peacefulness is essential to he creation of beautiful, serene children and adults. Bolloc*s. The issue of this stressful charade is one of the most serene and calm 20 year olds I know.

Postscript: The useless man eventually returned home sometime after midnight to find parents had retired to bed and the dog was just popping out the first of 8 puppies onto the kitchen floor!

[daz h]

Picture the scene.

It's a typical house for a busy young couple expecting No 2. A half-renovated semi. On a dreary wet October Saturday afternoon. A 2 year old toddler is busy making mayhem, the in-laws (hers) are busily getting in the way trying to help. The dog is going into labour and the better half has retired to a hot bath with backache ( and hopefully nothing more).

So.

The 'man' of the house is busy in the attic deperately looking for something to make a birthing box...for the dog! There's a loud yell from downstairs. 'If you don't come quick, your wife will give birth in the bath!'
In the scramble to get down, there is close call with a broken ceiling and a broken leg but eventually the better half is bundled into the car for rapid transit to the local hospital. But it is 5pm on a Saturday. The road is infested with brain-dead shoppers. And it is chucking it down. Nothing for it but to put into practise the misgotten hours of watching The Sweeney and The Professionals, stick the headlamps on full beam, lean on the horn and blast down the middle of the road. The tyres and the passenger are both squealing.

But the hospital car park is finally gained, a wheelchair summoned and trial by lift endured. 'Hurry up luvvy or we'll be poppin' out in this lift' is the grave prediction of the attending health professional. 'Give me some bl**dy gas!!' is the impassioned plea of the passenger. Alas, no gas until the refuge of the delivery suite by which time the plea's have turned to daggered demands and the AHP is looking very worried indeed. At last succour arrives in the form of a clanking blue cylinder...'GIVE ME THE F**KIN MASK!!' suuuuucccckkk.............
''It's bloody empty",
'No dear, its not. I checked the guage'.
Suuuuuuccckkkkkk...........'It's BLOODY EMP...........Arrgh no, you useless man, you gave me the mask upside dow...ow, ow, OWWWW'.
'Howl, wa, wa'.
'Ah congratulations to both of you, its a little boy'.
She 'Ow'.
He (removing a surgical gas mask from his arse) 'Ow'
Son 'gurgle'.

The Scientologists say that gentleness and peacefulness is essential to he creation of beautiful, serene children and adults. Bolloc*s. The issue of this stressful charade is one of the most serene and calm 20 year olds I know.

Postscript: The useless man eventually returned home sometime after midnight to find parents had retired to bed and the dog was just popping out the first of 8 puppies onto the kitchen floor!

ace

[OneHillWonder]

oh dear!!!

Hope all babies arriving in the world that day arrived safe and sound in the end