A man got up one morning to find out that his house had been broken in to whilst he was asleep.
He quickly called the police.
The police arrived and they checked to see what had been stolen.
Unusually, the only think missing from the house was the toilet.
The man asked the DS if it was likely that they would catch the culprit.
"Unlikely" said the DS "as we have nothing to go on"
Tha can say what tha likes 'bout paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
Did your hear about the dyslexic South African?
He was arrested for blowing a Zulus vulva.
Simon Blease
Monmouth
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man comes home and finds one of mates in bed with his wife. he is so mad he gets a gun and shoots his friend.
His wife shouts at him if he keeps that up he'll have no mates left at all......
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Frequent but moderate workouts on a consistent basis are the key to success
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
What's David Beckham got in common with Cilla Black?
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....They're both f*kcing awful singers...
I had a huge argument this morning with a bloke who told me he'd actually written the song 'Stand and Deliver'.
I told him I knew he was lying, but he wouldn't have any of it. He was adamant.
Be Humble. Sit Down.
why did the dolly blush?
because it saw the teddy bear
Marxist Leninism is a weapon of the workers
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