Brew Etiquette.

[Danbert Nocurry]

I’ve been on the receiving end of some real disasters of late and enough’s enough.

The Government despair at illiteracy and anti-social behaviour amongst our young people. But to my mind, the very heart of the problem is our young peoples failure to brew up properly. That’s right.

Not only do they use phrases like ‘innit’, which they shoehorn into conversations inappropriately, but they also have the audacity to serve repugnant cups of dehydrated fermented mongrel piss to me.

They spend far to much time texting and listening to music when they should be sweating over the quality of the brew that they bring to my desk. Dick heads.

So, lets get back to basics and give our young people a lesson in proper brewing.

Firstly, it’s important to establish ‘brew parameters’ both as brewer (the person brewing) and brewee (the recipient of the brew).

Brewee’s who make simple requests such as ‘tea – two – white’ are simple people and don't deserve the tea from my cup. I have on occasion, refused to brew for such savages. To offer such scant information to an operation that is so delicate and important saddens me greatly.

No, a brew is only as good the instructions provided. Don’t ever forget that as both brewer and brewee. And don’t be embarrassed about the time it takes to provide or establish the information that will be needed to make a good brew. I can take over 20 minutes providing my instructions. Don’t allow them to let you down.


The Basics

Milk, and amount of ~> full fat, semi, skimmed
Sugar (white), and amount of ~> size of sugar spoon ~> heaped or flat
Strength of brew ~> colour expected
Type of cup/mug (I can only abide thin rimmed and consider people who drink from thick rimmed cups to be cunts)
Accompaniment ~> biscuit type and quantity (dunking is a whole sub genre which I haven’t got the time to tackle today)

Advanced Brewing:

The temperature of the water applied
Number of spoon rotations
Thickness of the thin rimmed cup (specialist area)
Whether the bag is added before or after the water
Amount of milk
Whether the milk is added before the bag or brewed tea
Whether the bag should be lightly or heavily strained when removed from the cup
Whether the bag is ‘fished out’ with no force at all.
Whether milk is added before and after the brew composite

Clearly this list is not exhaustive and I would welcome further comments. But use this information wisely and you will serve, and willl be served well.

Now go forth and brew.

[FellMonster]

I much prefer a thick rimmed mug to an old lady's thin china cup and saucer. Ergo, I am a cunt and you are an old granny stocking wearer

[pauljonesforengland]

Danbert as ever you have addreessed the real issues.

Now surely there must have been room for your name on that long voting slip on Thursday?

Danbert's Tea Party?

[Trog]

I have my 'strong' brew in a 'mansize' mug

only grannies drink from cups

[Bobert]

The Basics

Milk, and amount of ~> full fat, semi, skimmed
Sugar (white), and amount of ~> size of sugar spoon ~> heaped or flat
Strength of brew ~> colour expected
Type of cup/mug (I can only abide thin rimmed and consider people who drink from thick rimmed cups to be cunts)
Accompaniment ~> biscuit type and quantity (dunking is a whole sub genre which I haven’t got the time to tackle today)

Advanced Brewing:

The temperature of the water applied
Number of spoon rotations
Thickness of the thin rimmed cup (specialist area)
Whether the bag is added before or after the water
Amount of milk
Whether the milk is added before the bag or brewed tea
Whether the bag should be lightly or heavily strained when removed from the cup
Whether the bag is ‘fished out’ with no force at all.
Whether milk is added before and after the brew composite

Clearly this list is not exhaustive and I would welcome further comments. But use this information wisely and you will serve, and willl be served well.

Now go forth and brew.

We have a rule at work and in the home. Coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon. All of the above rules apply to brewing a cup of tea in the afternoon. And it's logical to have it this way round. As tea brewing is a complex and often overlooked process as you say. The brewing of tea should not take place before a dose of strong liquid stimulant like coffee in the morning.

Hence Coffee=morning. Tea=afternoon. To drink tea beyond 1730hrs is also a big no no!

At 1731hrs one can proceed directly to beer!

[dominion]

I'm sorry Danbert but you're a typical politician. All the bright ideas but no substance.

In advanced brewing you've failed to consider the brewers who still use leaf tea rather than teabags. This renders your otherwise fine article redundant, much like the rest of the claptrap that comes out of government.

For Teabags,

Teabag in cup first
Add water
Remove teabag (removal process done according to taste)
Add milk
Add sugar

For Leaf Tea,

Milk
Sugar
Tea, poured through tea strainer

Of course there is a whole chapter to be added here on brewing leaf tea, warming the pot, whether to use boiling, or just boiled water, but I'm afraid I simply don't have time right now. The forum has been down for a week so I have a week of catching up to do!

[stevefoster]

Always leave the tea bag in for maximum brewage.......................but don't swallow it when you've quaffed your brew

I've done it and its not big or clever or very nice

[emmilou]

I can't believe you don't even consider the use of a teapot and YES, I CAN tell the difference between a dunked bag and a PROPER cup of tea brewed in a pot

[emmilou]

Also,

get one of these....
http://themeaningofweb.blogspot.com/...rt-on-mug.html

[The Piglit]

If Brown had concentrated on this key British issue he would not be in the trouble he or we are in.

Unfortunately it's not just the youth who can't brew properly. A respectable middle aged woman at work is incapable and produces something resembling vending machine effluent.

It's time someone produced....

The Beverage Report!