I'm afraid not. In terms of the Job Specification, you have several 'Essentials' but too few 'Desirables' for this particular post. However, overall, your application has much to commend it - such as an appropriately disapproving tone - and, should a similar post become available (for example: Step-brother, Counsellor, or Fairy Godmother) I'll certainly bear you in mind.
On this occasion though, Mr Park, I shall not be calling you to interview.