Today's Joke

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Originally Posted by Antisocial

another one from my aged father

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had
told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

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Excellent AS

I've just shown it to my wife and she loved it...

...erm got to go she wants some dinner:o

Whats the difference between an icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
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The volcano is still blowing ash... :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dominion

Whats the difference between an icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?


The volcano is still blowing ash... :D

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My 12 year old would like this joke explained....
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Thank god:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dominion

Whats the difference between an icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
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The volcano is still blowing ash... :D

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Absolutely brilliant!:D

Sorry Ian!

Me too? :o

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Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak

My 12 year old would like this joke explained....
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Thank god:D

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by dominion

Sorry Ian!

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no worries..:D

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

have you heard of the pakistani wife beater ? justchinda gudanpropa .

A class of five-year old students are learning to read.


One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...


" A f r i c a n Elephant "

An American photographer on holiday was inside a church in Blackburn taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Preston.

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Blackburn and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'OK, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Nelson, Colne, Bury, Rochdale and Oldham.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire, decided to travel across to Yorkshire to see if they had the same phone.

He arrived in Leeds and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son, God's own county ... it's a local call.'

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Muddy Retriever

An American photographer on holiday was inside a church in Blackburn taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Preston.

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Blackburn and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'OK, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Nelson, Colne, Bury, Rochdale and Oldham.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire, decided to travel across to Yorkshire to see if they had the same phone.

He arrived in Leeds and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son, God's own county ... it's a local call.'

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I've heard this before but its always funny esp if you're from the east of the pennines :D:D

During training at the England camp, Steven Gerrard over hears Fabio Capello talking to Wayne Rooney.

He hears Fabio saying to Rooney…

Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.

Gerrard can’t take this anymore, and asks “Fabio what’s going on, even Sven waited till after the Tournament before he boasted about his sexual conquests…..”

“Hey, coola down Gerrard”, Fabio said. “Who talkin’ abouta sexual conquests? I’m a
justa tellin’ Rooney how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘!”

If his coaching is on a par with his jokes there's no wonder we struggled in South Africa :eek:

geography lesson for today

Sorry if you don't find this funny, just grin and bear it ;-)


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'


The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'






The Bartender Says,
'You Are Now. That Was A Barbitchyouate.'

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush..."

**New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn**

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Merry thats shocking! hahaha

But in a funny way ;)



(The mexican one)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Al Fowler

Merry thats shocking! hahaha

But in a funny way ;)

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Which one? Or all three:o

Why did the chicken cross the road?




According to FIFA it didn't cross the road!

Q do news editors ever read any of the headline banners? I think not try this one.... Priceless

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703

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Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak

Q do news editors ever read any of the headline banners? I think not try this one.... Priceless

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703

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Excellent. Reminds me of that one a few months back: MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed - Peterborough Today

Womens rights

Please dont get offended by this...it's only a joke

One for all you Lancastrians courtesy of Crumblydown;)

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Bradford

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to York, Rotheram, Sheffield Dewsbury, and Pickering

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.

He arrived in Bolton , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in yorkshirethe price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'



How true........


If you are proud to be a Lancastrian then pass this on eh!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stevefoster

One for all you Lancastrians courtesy of Crumblydown;)

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Bradford

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to York, Rotheram, Sheffield Dewsbury, and Pickering

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.

He arrived in Bolton , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in yorkshirethe price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'



How true........


If you are proud to be a Lancastrian then pass this on eh!

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Sigh! poor lancastrians...... Second again
http://forum.fellrunner.org.uk/showt...879#post333879

:w00t::w00t:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak

Sigh! poor lancastrians...... Second again
http://forum.fellrunner.org.uk/showt...879#post333879

:w00t::w00t:

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Hehe...

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

(probably works better spoken!)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak

Sigh! poor lancastrians...... Second again
http://forum.fellrunner.org.uk/showt...879#post333879

:w00t::w00t:

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He He, missed that one, glad i'm from Yorkshire, although me mum's a lanc and me dad was Hungarian so i can play for loads of teams:D

Man walks into a bookshop and says, "Do you have that new self help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl behind the counter replies "Sorry, it's not in yet". Bloke says... "Yeah, that's the one...."

:D

Absolutely Brilliant


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.


In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

A man got up one morning to find out that his house had been broken in to whilst he was asleep.

He quickly called the police.

The police arrived and they checked to see what had been stolen.

Unusually, the only think missing from the house was the toilet.

The man asked the DS if it was likely that they would catch the culprit.

"Unlikely" said the DS "as we have nothing to go on"

Tha can say what tha likes 'bout paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Did your hear about the dyslexic South African?
He was arrested for blowing a Zulus vulva.

A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A man comes home and finds one of mates in bed with his wife. he is so mad he gets a gun and shoots his friend.

His wife shouts at him if he keeps that up he'll have no mates left at all......

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

What's David Beckham got in common with Cilla Black?
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....They're both f*kcing awful singers... :D

I had a huge argument this morning with a bloke who told me he'd actually written the song 'Stand and Deliver'.

I told him I knew he was lying, but he wouldn't have any of it. He was adamant.

why did the dolly blush?





because it saw the teddy bear