Today's Joke

[Multiterrainer]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'.










She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[TurboTom]

Mrs Grace - a primary school teacher - is teaching her children about subtraction.
"If there are 7 birds on a branch and you shoot one, how many are left?" She asks Johnny
"None" replies Johnny "They would all fly away"
"No, the answers 6" says Mrs Grace "But I like the way you think"
"Let me ask you a question Miss." Says Johnny
"OK ..." Replies Mrs Grace reluctantly
"If there are 3 woman eating ice-cream, one sucking, one licking and one chewing, which one is married?" Johnny asks
"The one that's sucking?" Mrs Grace replies nervously
Johnny replies "No, the one that's wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"

[lilactime]

what do you call a 30 year old girl from daventry ? nan

[Man from Del Monte]

My mate was working near Fratton Park the other day and noticed 5 Portsmouth season tickets nailed to the trees outside the ground. " i'll have those" he says........." you can never have too many nails!!!"

[Antisocial]

This rather long winded joke was on a birthday card I bought for my nephew in a Spa in Leicester earlier this week.

A young man applies for his first job as a sales assistant in a department store.

The manager says do you think you can sell things "oh yes" he says.

At the end of the first day the manager approaches the young man and asked how many customers he made a sale to. "one" said the young man, "only one " said the manager "most of the other salespeople make between 20 and 30 sales a day, how much was this sale for"?

"£750,000" replied the young man

"750,000" what did you sell him?

"well first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium one, then a carbon fibre fishing rod, then we talked about how the best fish were off land so I took him to our boat department and sold him a motor boat and then he realised he needed to transport it so i took him to our car department and sold him a brand new 4X4".

"Thats amazing you sold him all that when he only came in for a small fish hook".

"Well" said the young man, "he actually came in asking for a packet of tampons for his girlfriend, so I said as your weekends f***ked you may as well go fishing?"

[Man from Del Monte]

Be careful not to use the accelerator or the brake. These Toyotas can be a bit dodgy you know.

and don't open the doors when the engine is running or you will let the clutch out

[freckle]

I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.

[Antisocial]

from my 76 year old dad who should know better.

Subject: Murder at Tesco

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..


(You're going to hate me for this .... )





'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

[Antisocial]

And another one

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.

'Mary, Mary, are you there?'

'Is that you, Fred?

'Yes. I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, the golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven!'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Berkshire.'

[Antisocial]

another one from my aged father

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had
told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.