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Love it!
Very funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by ba-ba
That was............
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.It was just After Eight.They got off at Quality Street,in front of the Fisherman's Friend pub.He asked her name"polo,I'm the one with the hole",she said in a Wispa."I'm Marathon,the one with the nuts",he replied.He touched her Creme Eggs,then slipped his hand into her Snickers,He fondled her Flap Jacks while she rubbed his Tic Tacs.It was a Fab moment,and she screamed in Turkish Delight.But three days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip.Turns out Miss Rountree had been with Bertie Bassett.Who had allsorts
apparently the Japanese are to resume whaling - but strictly for scientific porpoises.
Iphone 4S
Did you hear the world innuendo championships are starting soon? Im thinking of entering my sister.
Man: Comes home from the pub after work with a couple of carry out bottles, slumps in the chair, flicks on the TV and slurps on his beer.
Wife: Bustles about in the kitchen warming up his home cooked spud pie whilst finishing off the washing up and the last of the ironing.
Man: Ey love, you know, when I die I'm going to leave everything to you.
Wife: What do you mean when you die? You already do you fat ****!
My wife says that I keep dreaming that I've written 'The Lord of the Rings', and that she knows because I've been Tolkien in my sleep.
that was crap so please dont make a hobbit of telling jokes like thatQuote:
Originally Posted by nobobs
15 men in white shirts pretending to be a rugby team.:D
Now that is a funny joke Wheeze:thumbup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Wheeze
Paul McCartney is already 'pissed off' with his new wife!!
Apparently she is spending twice as much on new shoes as his last one ever did!!
His last wife had a plane as part of her divorce settlement.... and a ladyshave for the other leg!Quote:
Originally Posted by finniganjones
Attachment 5219:thumbup:
Carlos Tevez has said that if he gets the sack from Manchester City he is going to open up a chain of sandwich shops, they will be called.....................
..............................SUBNOWAY:thumbup::D
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice,
- "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,
- "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
- "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
- "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
- "Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you when I got married?"
For those of you affected by the result of the Man U Man C game last week, there is a helpline to ring... just dial 01 6-1 6-1 6-1!
The Pope ...
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There’s no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I’m the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ...Never heard of it... Wait, I’ll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth."
God: "I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I’ll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what’s up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Order now for Christmas... The new radio1 Xmas CD with the cover versions you never thought you'd hear:
Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me;
Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now;
John Terry - Ebony & Ivory
Katie Price - like a Virgin;
Rihanna - hit me baby one more time;
Michael Jackson - the drugs don't work;
Joseph Fritzl - love shack;
Stephen Hawking - Im still standing!l
A policeman came up to me and sent his sniffer dog into my car.
'Well well, my dog tells me you've been on drugs,' the copper said.
'I know, I heard him talking as well you know,' *
i got the Christmas decorations out of the loft last night
and came across a present i forgot to give the kids last year :closed:
It's a pity really they would have loved that fluffy kitten :)
May be time to start travelling by train a bit more often!
Attachment 5352
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
He looks in his ears and he inspects his paws.
Finally,he says 'I’m going to have to put him down.'
'What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'.
A little old lady was walking past the Stadium of Light football ground this afternoon struggling with her shopping bags.
The Chairman notices her and shouts out the window
'Can you manage love ?'
'**** OFF ! She replies I DON'T WANT THE JOB !'
A Banker, a Nurse, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory MP turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear "Watch out, that nurse is after your biscuit"
Intelligent(?) quotes
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word ’genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
---
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
---
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
---
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
---
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
---
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
---
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
---
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
---
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
---
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
---
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
---
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
---
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
---
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency, after receiving his money he asks "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuan's in return?"
The banker says "Fluctuations"
The Chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too".
Bloke says to his mate " do you everlook at your wifes face when you make love?
i did once and saw anger in her face.
Why anger?
she was watching from the window!
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The f#ckin' funeral director would be my first guess
Will this cleanse me of my Sins?!?
There once was a young woman who went to
confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said,
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be
forgiven."
She said, "Last night my neighbor´s husband
made passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then
drink the juice."
She asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that damn smile off of your face!
Defaced signage chuckles galour.....................
http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brill...-meaning-signs
[QUOTE=PaulE;451657]Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.QUOTE]
Am liking this muchly!
Actual Bumper Stickers
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather - not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Bad Cop! No donut!
It’s you
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry.
"Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It’s you he’s fond of."
Did you hear about the finalists in the sketching contest?
No one won... it was a draw.
(Can't find a "Groan" smiley!:rolleyes:)
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Bobby Charlton was a guest of Roberto Mancini at the Etihad Stadium last weekend. In the hospitality lounge after the game, Mancini asked Bobby ''How d'you think the current City team would fare against the Utd team of 1968?''
Charlton replies ''I think it'd be a close run thing, maybe a draw''. Mancini walks away feeling very pleased with himself ,when Charlton shouts across the room
''Mind you,we haven't trained in 30 years''...