Today's Joke

[Pilgrim]

The good, the bad and the ugly
Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[Pilgrim]

Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers".

[Pilgrim]

British Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences - no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I’m very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie "Just follow me." He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.

Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop’s blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you - is that "British Hospitality?"

"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."

[Pilgrim]

Yes dear!
The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it’s a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That’s a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I’ll give you a hint, children...it’s something you’re mother calls your father".

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. It’s a horny bastard!"

[Pilgrim]

unintentionally-sexual-church-signs...

http://www.happyplace.com/3695/unint...l-church-signs

[ba-ba]

very fitting given your name pilgrim!

[Pilgrim]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[dominion]

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder. However, in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

:thumbup:

[ba-ba]

75% of single women say they'd like a regular boyfriend.

I'm regular, I eat a lot of bran.

Alas much more pertinent a joke than it was at the beginning of this week!

[ba-ba]

The barman says 'i'm sorry, we don't serve faster than light sub atomic particles here'
A neutrino walks into a bar