this was on the radio this morning following the reports that that Blonde Ale which was taken out of the houses of parliment bar for being sexist.
They are now selling a mixed pint, 1/2 bitter and 1/2 Stout....It's called the mother in law....
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this was on the radio this morning following the reports that that Blonde Ale which was taken out of the houses of parliment bar for being sexist.
They are now selling a mixed pint, 1/2 bitter and 1/2 Stout....It's called the mother in law....
Not just any old Blonde Ale but Top Totty "A stunning blonde beer full bodied with a voluptuous hop aroma" :wink:Quote:
Originally Posted by IanDarkpeak
A little old lady was walking past Wembley Stadium this morning struggling with her shopping bags.Quote:
Originally Posted by dominion
The Chairman notices her and shouts out the window
'Can you manage love ?'
'**** OFF ! She replies I DON'T WANT THE JOB !
:thumbup:
Attachment 5679
Made me do snorty laughs.
What did the Number 0 say to the Number 8 ?
Nice belt !
Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes.......
You've just caused a work colleague to throw stuff at me! :w00t:Quote:
Originally Posted by Multiterrainer
Don't blame me, blame Tim Vine :p http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/16959243Quote:
Originally Posted by dominion
Two dogs walking down the street.
1st dog: "Do you use condoms?"
2nd dog: "Durex"
1st dog: "I asked you first."
thats really Ruff...Quote:
Originally Posted by Tussockface
Two more wonderful one-liners from Tim Vine:
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Aren't you the man who invented Tippex? Correct me if I'm wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tussockface
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bl**dy fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
I was telling this girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess a woman's date of birth just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then"
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she was getting impatient.
"Come on, what day was I born on" she said
"Yesterday" I said
Italians:
ITALIANS:
Fabrizio
http://thumbsnap.com/s/DUlX9gPR.jpg
Rossi
http://thumbsnap.com/s/uKPYYwwW.jpg
Biaggi
http://thumbsnap.com/s/RNCTvQp6.jpg
Schettino
http://thumbsnap.com/s/gbC6drXi.jpg
Whitney houston's going to part of an advertising campaign for a bubble bath company that's struggling financially. They hope it'll stop them going under!
A little old lady was walking past Molineux.....Quote:
Originally Posted by dominion
etc....
My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured and began slowly leaking industrial-grade silicone!
However,she's now had her nipple pierced and we've been able to seal around the bath, shower tray and hand basin!!
Whitney and amy are doing a beyond the grave collaboration : they wanted me to take a bath and whitney said No No No!
Whitney's auto biography's coming out, it's called Waiting to exhale
What's black, lies on the floor, "will always love you" and has white stuff around its nose?
A border collie.
The Irish section of the SAS has raided Battersea dog's home. Apparently they'd been tipped off there was a load of afgans there!
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.
"One SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again "One SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."
True Story, Commando Spirit, Cheerfulness in the face of adversity:thumbup:
A British Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the
pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
ManFlu.
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the
germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of
people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,
he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half
and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary
groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain
they are in..
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their
simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea or coffee are
met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done
it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots
of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed
and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful
condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are
the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full
blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head
literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than Rambo, Batman and The A-Team
combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines'
like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of
Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around
enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact
that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has
remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,
all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea or coffee, some
kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just
maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
They then went into London Zoo, shot all the gorillas and released all the ostriches.Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth domain
Brilliant:thumbup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Swoop
I have to agree - you've excelled yourself there Colin :thumbup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Swoop
My wife's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I told her "may divorce be with you".
Archelogical digs in England uncovered some copper cabling 50 feet down hundreds of years old. This showed signs of the earliest telecommunications network ever found.
Not happy with this the French dug a 100 feet down on one of their achelogical sites and discovered long glass tubing. This, they claimed with delight, showed that the French were using fibre optic technology hundreds of years ago.
Not happy with this the Irish dug 200 feet down at one of their archelogical sites and found absolutely nothing. They were delighted with this anouncing this as clear evidence the Irish were using wireless technology before anyone else.
Happy St Patricks day.
And Paddy went to get a job on a building site and the foreman asked him if he knew the difference between a joist and a girder. Paddy says: "To be sure, joist wrote Faust and girder wrote Ulysses."
May the road always rise up to meet you.
Oops sorry got them the wrong way round. Still I am onto me second Guinness.
I'm not actually certain which way round is funnier. I rather liked the 'wrong' one.
A couple of weeks ago my next door neighbour, who is a great fan of the Monkees, came round and told me Davy Jones had died.
At first I didn't believe her .............................. Then I saw her face!
Watch this dog lovers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw
A man waiting for a bone marrow transplant hears there is a donor in Argentina.
The operation goes ahead and is successful so the man decides to write to him to thank him.
Wait for it...........................
"Dear Diego Marrow Donor" :D
That really is shocking MT.Quote:
Originally Posted by Multiterrainer
Totally agree MR:thumbup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Muddy Retriever
But you have to hand it to himQuote:
Originally Posted by Muddy Retriever
There's no pleasing some people.
The wife asked me if her Appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently "Don't worry babe,your tits cover it" wasn't what she wanted to hear!