Two more wonderful one-liners from Tim Vine:
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Two more wonderful one-liners from Tim Vine:
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Aren't you the man who invented Tippex? Correct me if I'm wrong.Originally Posted by Tussockface
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bl**dy fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
I was telling this girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess a woman's date of birth just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then"
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she was getting impatient.
"Come on, what day was I born on" she said
"Yesterday" I said
Italians:
ITALIANS:
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
Whitney houston's going to part of an advertising campaign for a bubble bath company that's struggling financially. They hope it'll stop them going under!
A little old lady was walking past Molineux.....
etc....
My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured and began slowly leaking industrial-grade silicone!
However,she's now had her nipple pierced and we've been able to seal around the bath, shower tray and hand basin!!
Whitney and amy are doing a beyond the grave collaboration : they wanted me to take a bath and whitney said No No No!
Whitney's auto biography's coming out, it's called Waiting to exhale
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