Today's Joke

[emmilou]

The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Richard Head]

Wayne Bridge sent his bird a life size sculpture of his dick made from Cadburys chocolate, she wasn't impressed and said she preferred Terrys...

Fabio Capello has just rung Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry has lost the England captains armband. He asked Wayne to have a look for it under his bed when he gets home

[Jez Hellewell]

You need to know your 80's sweets for this one...........


What should you do if you get a peanut stuck in your ear ?









Pour in some chocolate & it'll come out a treat !

[Storyteller]

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. . . 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'I can't piss out of it,' he replied

[Carlos the Jackal]

not really a joke but a true fact that happened to me when i went to see the specialist at BRI for my throat.
the specialist told me i had to stop w******* and i asked why. he said it was because he was trying to examine me.

[Man from Del Monte]

If you have to take up cross country running it helps if you start with a small country first

[marty mcfly]

Shamelessly plagiarised from Milton Jones:

'As a forensic pathologist for the UN I came across a mass grave of thousands of snowmen. Later we found out it was a field of carrots'

[Muddy Retriever]

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds .

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.

The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'

As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'

The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.

He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'

The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

[Nee Bother]

Sorry no time for jokes, i've just taken delivery of my new Toyota and i'm out for a spin, anyway wil chat later can't stop now.

[noel]

Sorry no time for jokes, i've just taken delivery of my new Toyota and i'm out for a spin, anyway wil chat later can't stop now.

Be careful not to use the accelerator or the brake. These Toyotas can be a bit dodgy you know.