Today's Joke

[Multiterrainer]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter, Candy.'

He turned to the second Mother Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mother Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered ...
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets go pick Willy up from school.'

[ydt]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CEO.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[geronimo]

i went into a shop today and a guy attacked me with a pint of milk and a piece of cheese
I thought how dare 'ee

[stevefoster]

An office manager from Wal-Mart in Toronto, Canada was given the task of
hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man from England on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the
way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he asked the second man from Italy.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man from Calgary,
Canada who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.

Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer
was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man from Malta, the interviewer posed the
same question.

The last man [Maltese] replied, "After hearing the three previous answers,
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain."
said the Maltese man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I
ran for the bathroom. But, before I could ...
THINK, BLINK or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.

The Maltese Got the Job.

[Jez Hellewell]

Came over all emotional at the petrol station today.................
..............I just started filling up.

[Stagger]

There will be heavy snow!

[Welsh Harrier]

There will be heavy snow!

The joke is clearly on the weather forecasters!

[Amex]

"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. “I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent & of course United States and Canada stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Tussockface]

I phoned up the LibDem office earlier today and asked if they'd send me a copy of their manifesto.
The bloke said "I''m sorry, but we've sold out."
I said "I know, and I'm sorry too, but I'd still like you to send me a copy."

[stevefoster]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years..
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.


'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored. I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'




'You're simply going through the change!