Today's Joke

[jodg]

He Said To Me!



He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?





He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing butfart




He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.






He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Ooh, the missus and I liked those !

[stevefoster]

Banned from Sainsbury's -Didn't like shopping there anyway



Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.


(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.


Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[Welsh Harrier]

This will go down well in my year 11 class tomorrow morning!

[wharfeego]

Only the British would get this one!...

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

[wharfeego]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctors' offices on
everything from tissues to note pads.
This one should get First prize....



I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician”.

[swift]

This thread is cool. Keep them coming.

[Pilgrim]

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

[Welsh Harrier]

Tommy Cooper went down to the corner shop....bought four corners!

[Masham Man]

Zoo keeper says to paddy ' the Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it, would you consider shagging it for £500?' Paddy replies 'I will on 3 conditions.

1st, I'm not going to kiss it.

2nd, My family must never know.

3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the money together.

[Alf]

Bloke gets home and presents his wife with a huge bouquet of flowers.

His wife thanks him, gives him a sly look, and says "I suppose you will be expecting me to open my legs now?"

Bloke says "Well actually I was going to put them in a vase".