Guy in the pub chatting to his friends:-
Guy - "guess what, I'm sleeping with twins! what do you say to that"
friend - "well done! but how do you tell them apart?"
Guy - "that's easy, Julie has blonde hair and Steve has a moustache"
Guy in the pub chatting to his friends:-
Guy - "guess what, I'm sleeping with twins! what do you say to that"
friend - "well done! but how do you tell them apart?"
Guy - "that's easy, Julie has blonde hair and Steve has a moustache"
What's Black and White and eats like a Horse?
A Zebra
Hills and Guinness!
Little boy says to his Grandad 'Grandad, make a noise like a frog'
'Whatever for?' says Grandad
'Cos Dad says when grandad croaks, we're off to Florida'
Hills and Guinness!
A block in a nightclub see's a big fat girl stood at the bar. He walks over to her and says "have you got a pen"?
She turned round and looked up with a big smile "yes"
"Good" he says, "you'd best f*** of back to it then before the farmer notices your missing!!
Piggin good one Al.Originally Posted by Al Fowler
Hills and Guinness!
An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
It's a joke how old folk are treated!
Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly... if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay £5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
Last edited by stevefoster; 11-02-2011 at 08:26 PM.
Hills and Guinness!
good post
my mate said he was shagging identical twins ! i said lucky sod how do you tell them apart ? he said jennys got big tits and daves got a moustache !
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation...
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"
The Black Lab said "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper" said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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