Today's Joke

[wharfeego]

Golf...

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.

It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.

The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week! She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45 "

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Pilgrim]

Only 3 times
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question"

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times"

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan. Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you. Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."

"Oh my God! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...."

[Pilgrim]

WORK

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Pilgrim]

Can you imagine?!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don´t think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here´s a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady´s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We´ll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I´ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I´ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There´s no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[stevefoster]

When Love Fades...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She called back, “F**k You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

[Pilgrim]

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

[Pilgrim]

Marriage in heaven
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer!"

[Jez Hellewell]

I indulged in a little experimental sex with the missus last night. I put a bunch of grapes up her bottom. She didn't complain, just let out a little wine.

[Amex]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my Wi^&%. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[stevefoster]

Here is a hot tip for Saturdays Grand national,it is creosote at 25 to 1.He is supposed to be very good over fences.









I'll get my coat.

Clothes Horse is a better bet, put your shirt on it.