i got the Christmas decorations out of the loft last night
and came across a present i forgot to give the kids last year :closed:
It's a pity really they would have loved that fluffy kitten
i got the Christmas decorations out of the loft last night
and came across a present i forgot to give the kids last year :closed:
It's a pity really they would have loved that fluffy kitten
May be time to start travelling by train a bit more often!
Attachment 5352
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
He looks in his ears and he inspects his paws.
Finally,he says 'I’m going to have to put him down.'
'What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'.
A little old lady was walking past the Stadium of Light football ground this afternoon struggling with her shopping bags.
The Chairman notices her and shouts out the window
'Can you manage love ?'
'**** OFF ! She replies I DON'T WANT THE JOB !'
A Banker, a Nurse, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory MP turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear "Watch out, that nurse is after your biscuit"
Intelligent(?) quotes
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word ’genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
---
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
---
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
---
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
---
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
---
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
---
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
---
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
---
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
---
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
---
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
---
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
---
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
---
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency, after receiving his money he asks "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuan's in return?"
The banker says "Fluctuations"
The Chinese guy replies... "Fluck you Blitish too".
Bloke says to his mate " do you everlook at your wifes face when you make love?
i did once and saw anger in her face.
Why anger?
she was watching from the window!
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The f#ckin' funeral director would be my first guess
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