What's black, lies on the floor, "will always love you" and has white stuff around its nose?
A border collie.
What's black, lies on the floor, "will always love you" and has white stuff around its nose?
A border collie.
The Irish section of the SAS has raided Battersea dog's home. Apparently they'd been tipped off there was a load of afgans there!
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.
"One SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again "One SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."
True Story, Commando Spirit, Cheerfulness in the face of adversity:thumbup:
A British Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've
been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the
pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
ManFlu.
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the
germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of
people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,
he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half
and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary
groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain
they are in..
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their
simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea or coffee are
met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done
it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots
of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed
and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful
condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are
the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full
blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head
literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than Rambo, Batman and The A-Team
combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines'
like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of
Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around
enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact
that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has
remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,
all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea or coffee, some
kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just
maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
They then went into London Zoo, shot all the gorillas and released all the ostriches.Originally Posted by Darth domain
Brilliant:thumbup:
I have to agree - you've excelled yourself there Colin :thumbup:
My wife's leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I told her "may divorce be with you".
Archelogical digs in England uncovered some copper cabling 50 feet down hundreds of years old. This showed signs of the earliest telecommunications network ever found.
Not happy with this the French dug a 100 feet down on one of their achelogical sites and discovered long glass tubing. This, they claimed with delight, showed that the French were using fibre optic technology hundreds of years ago.
Not happy with this the Irish dug 200 feet down at one of their archelogical sites and found absolutely nothing. They were delighted with this anouncing this as clear evidence the Irish were using wireless technology before anyone else.
Happy St Patricks day.
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