My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A group of mothers are sitting in a psychologists's office with their children for group therapy. The psychologist knows all of the parents' and kids' names, and starts going around the room by telling people their problems. To the first woman, he says,
"You named your daughter Penny. You're obsessed with money." To the second woman, he says,
"You named your daughter Candy. You're obsessed with food." To the third:
"You named your daughter Sherry. You're obsessed with alcohol." at this point the fourth woman turns to her little boy and says in a low voice,
"Let's go, Dick."
A guy goes into a toy store to buy a barbiedoll for his niece. He's overwhelmed by all the choices. Barbie comes with this house and this car etc. He asked the saleslady "Does Barbie come with Ken?" She says "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she only fakes it with Ken."
A woman is in a doctor's office waiting room, and right before she's called to see the doctor she sees a really pale looking nun walking out of the office. When she sees the doctor, she asks him,
"What was wrong with that nun?"
"I told her she was pregnant," the doctor replied.
"Was she?!?"
"No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!!!"
An Englishman, welshman and west indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
"There's just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me," says the west indian, "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son."
The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you're coming from, mate, but one of these babies is welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk."
Hee HeeOriginally Posted by Witton Park
)
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced
'all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'......
The poor barman was almost crushed to death!
Went to the doctors today as I'm having trouble with my hearing. He asked me to describe the symptoms. I told him that Homer was a fat lazy man & Marge had got blue hair.
How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
One to move it to the lighting section
Two to argue, then move it to the electrical section
Seven to point out spelling/ grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
Five to flame the spell checkers
Three to correct spelling/ grammar flames
Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid
Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
Eleven to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "me too"
Two to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
Five to say, "Didn't we go through this already a few months ago?"
Nine to say, "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
One forum lurker to respond to the original post eight months from now and start it all over again
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote