While I was “flying” down the road yesterday (20 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a traffic cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and hate, asked “What’s your hurry?”

I replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the patrolman, “what do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I politely responded.

The patrolman stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” ask the astounded Plod.

“Give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge.”