Not doing too well, really. Had a period of real progress, but have now slid back into old habits.

Books recently read include: 'What the bleep do we know'- written in a fairly over excited, right brain style. Some good content though, especially on Neuronets.

'Dr. Quantum's little book of big ideas' Fred Alan Wolf- Good food for thought.

Currently reading 'Healing and Recovery' David R Hawkins.

A really solid pal recently found herself a new bloke and left my life, disappeared very suddenly indeed. I was hanging in the air for weeks, floating like a cloud of gas not quite knowing which way i was going to go, then the cloud of gas condensed into rocks and started heading to the ground at terminal velocity. We used to hang out in the hills and go see films etc. all the things we have in common, she was a huge source of support to me.

The mistake i made was to attatch to the thought that i'd regularly have someone to go out with and support me. By doing this i had unwittingly placed the source of my own happiness and power outside of myself. The source of one's power and happiness is only ever 'in here', and never 'out there'. This sits paradoxically against the human need for companionship and company, a paradox i have yet to comprehend. The result of placing the source of my happiness and power soley in this friendship is that i am now in the mode of 'victim'; i am the victim of the loss of my happiness, and all the negative energy fields that go with it. I feel i have failed, and have had to check if i have offended said friend and driven her away, and apologise upfront for things i'm not aware whether i've even done or not. I have been living in an illiusion, an illusion created by my own mind's insecurities, the illusion of security which in reality was weakness. My mind subconsciously invested everything outside of itself into a social relationship which was guaranteed to drastically change at some point. The victim state carries with it a terrible legacy, that of 'failure-> resentment-> anger'.

Despite knowing where true happiness and power need to be located, i lack the tools to put them there. I'm not dealing with single thoughts, but an entire belief system which is very strong. It is a belief system based on the biggest lie of all- the notion that happiness is external to oneself.

I am currently adopting one of the early steps of the 12-step program, and surrendering to the will of a higher power. In essence this is designed to halt vicious internal conflict, nothing else. I am currently working with the belief statement: "I no longer believe in my ailments. I am an infinite being, and am not subject to them. I am subject only to what i hold in mind".