Cow walks into a bar, all downhearted. Barman asks: "Why the long face?" Cow says, "F*****g illegal ingredients, coming over here, stealing our jobs!!"
Printable View
Cow walks into a bar, all downhearted. Barman asks: "Why the long face?" Cow says, "F*****g illegal ingredients, coming over here, stealing our jobs!!"
With thanks to my daughter for the joke and apologies to those who've heard it already but here goes;
Just made her a burger for her dinner, asked if she wanted anything on it, yes she said, I'll have a fiver each way:thumbup:
One man's hobby was fell running, he spent all his weekends on the hills, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went out as usual. It was still dark, cold and raining. Feeling a bit rough he decided to abandon it for the day and returned back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes," she replied "but my idiot husband still went running!"
Or alternatively......Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegan Runner
Q: 'Just what do you do with a six foot asshole?'
r: 'Put him in a car and pay him to drive around above the speed limit'
Q: 'But who on earth would pay someone to drive around above the speed limit?'
r: 'Oh loads of people......thieves and burglars mostly'
In the latest twist to the food standards story, retailers have been forced to remove thousands of packets of Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire Puddings from the shelves, after tests revealed that they contained traces of up to 150% of Aunties from outside of Yorksire...
Apparently the Mafia have been getting lazy recently. When they want to "make you an offer you can't refuse" they are now leaving a packet of Findus lasagne under your pillow.
Apparently David Cameron's bullshit is really horseshit.
From today's Guardian:
A long ramble by Frank Muir and Denis Norden about Marjorie and Christine's fish and chip shop ended with: "Don't fry for me Marje and Tina ....."
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/red-meat-ea...043017409.html
Is the fact this has made to national news. I'm mean, good ******* grief, do people still need telling.
"Better to live a day as a tiger than a lifetime as a worm."Quote:
Originally Posted by shaunaneto
We need more cool omnivorous animals to act as role models. How about bears, they're pretty highly regarded and they eat lots of superfruits like berries and mushrooms.
Honey Badgers, hardest omnivore EVERQuote:
Is the fact this has made to national news. I'm mean, good ******* grief, do people still need telling.
"Better to live a day as a tiger than a lifetime as a worm."
We need more cool omnivorous animals to act as role models. How about bears, they're pretty highly regarded and they eat lots of superfruits like berries and mushrooms.
mushrooms are a superfruit?Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we
played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one
favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's
football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best
friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this
favour for you.” Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep
by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always
spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and
young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we
want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
A good email just came through with some descent quips on there
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were The Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'F@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
She obviously wasn't Russian.:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Witton Park
Groan..................
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swoop
I had to take a reality Czech after that one!
Did she have time to do the Polishing?
I Moldova whether or not I should comeback with another low calibre quip, but I though I'd better not ;)
Faroe enough I suppose.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Witton Park
Kenya please stop it with the terrible gags.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jez Hellewell
I Canada like this thread.
Or maybe I'm just Africa nature ?
Are you China be funny?Quote:
Originally Posted by Jez Hellewell
(sorry)
Uganda be kidding me.
(A new low?)
I Belize so.Quote:
Originally Posted by L.F.F.
USA that as though you mean it.
I can not Bolivia I put that last one.
I can, ad another one.
Please stop! You're all being Sicily.
I bet your wife put that last one. Jamaica do it ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mossdog
No. I went to PERUs my atlas and I found something INDIA. If you want to borrow the atlas, IRELAND you it. Sorry these 'jokes' are becoming totally Nepal-ing!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jez Hellewell
A close finish in the Great Manchester 10K on Sunday with only 8 seconds between the first three.
The winner was highly delighted, the second was highly disappointed and the third was Haile Gebrselassie.
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church. The priest says "Sorry, you're not allowed in here". The Higson Boson particle replies, "Why not?? Without me there'll be no mass!"
A Scotsman goes into a Dentist and says “I have a major filling that needs doing, how much please?”
Dentist “Och aye, that’ll be just £80”.
“That’s a bit expensive, can you offer a discount if you don’t use anaesthetic?”
“Yes I can but it’ll be awful painful but that will only be £40”.
“Never mind that, and can you give me a discount if you use your apprentice dental technician?”
“Yes but it will hurt even more….but I’ll only charge you £20”.
“And what if I allow the rest of your staff to observe the operation?”
“That would be very useful training, OK that’s £5 all in…now can we agree an appointment?”
“Yes, I’d like to book my wife in for next Tuesday please!
:D:D:D Chuckled at that one WP!Quote:
Originally Posted by Witton Park
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Knock knock...
Go away, we are not listening.Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Shlong
Go on then...
Who's there?