Today's Joke

[dominion]

Cow walks into a bar, all downhearted. Barman asks: "Why the long face?" Cow says, "F*****g illegal ingredients, coming over here, stealing our jobs!!"

[Daletownrunner]

With thanks to my daughter for the joke and apologies to those who've heard it already but here goes;

Just made her a burger for her dinner, asked if she wanted anything on it, yes she said, I'll have a fiver each way:thumbup:

[DrPatrickBarry]

One man's hobby was fell running, he spent all his weekends on the hills, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went out as usual. It was still dark, cold and raining. Feeling a bit rough he decided to abandon it for the day and returned back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes," she replied "but my idiot husband still went running!"

[Mark G]

While I was “flying” down the road yesterday (20 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a traffic cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and hate, asked “What’s your hurry?”

I replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the patrolman, “what do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I politely responded.

The patrolman stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” ask the astounded Plod.

“Give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge.”

Or alternatively......

Q: 'Just what do you do with a six foot asshole?'

r: 'Put him in a car and pay him to drive around above the speed limit'

Q: 'But who on earth would pay someone to drive around above the speed limit?'

r: 'Oh loads of people......thieves and burglars mostly'

[dominion]

In the latest twist to the food standards story, retailers have been forced to remove thousands of packets of Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire Puddings from the shelves, after tests revealed that they contained traces of up to 150% of Aunties from outside of Yorksire...

[Alf]

Apparently the Mafia have been getting lazy recently. When they want to "make you an offer you can't refuse" they are now leaving a packet of Findus lasagne under your pillow.

[Don't fear the sweeper]

Apparently David Cameron's bullshit is really horseshit.

[Mike T]

From today's Guardian:

A long ramble by Frank Muir and Denis Norden about Marjorie and Christine's fish and chip shop ended with: "Don't fry for me Marje and Tina ....."

[shaunaneto]

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/red-meat-ea...043017409.html

Is the fact this has made to national news. I'm mean, good ******* grief, do people still need telling.

[noel]

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/red-meat-ea...043017409.html

Is the fact this has made to national news. I'm mean, good ******* grief, do people still need telling.

"Better to live a day as a tiger than a lifetime as a worm."

We need more cool omnivorous animals to act as role models. How about bears, they're pretty highly regarded and they eat lots of superfruits like berries and mushrooms.