If it's a one-liner it won't be Always Injured!;)Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
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If it's a one-liner it won't be Always Injured!;)Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
YES!Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
...dwayne.
shakes head....Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Shlong
Dwayne Who?
Come on Colin - let's not get the Today's Joke thread contaminated with the Safety debate :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Swoop
OK then.Quote:
Originally Posted by Witton Park
My guess is Dwayne Pipe, unless the joke has been rewritten in the last 50 years.
Or Dwayne the bath, I'm Dwowning
Dwayne the bath it's overflowing?
I'm liking this, rather than giving the whole joke - it becomes a group exercise.
Two parrots walk into a pub...
BACK - OF - THE - NET!Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHeathens
10 points!
And what do they say? Ouch?Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
Any better suggestions? This could be how Cannon and Ball started.Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Shlong
The uptake is alternative responses is poor. Thus I will take a second guess at the next time.Quote:
Originally Posted by noel
....."And the bar man says..."
Assuming this is correct, he continues to say "If your guna bring a bird in here..."
or....
"You can bring birds in here man".
Oh god, I have no idea.
You're right - this is difficult. How about a pun around toucan or macaw?Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Shlong
This is probably how Cannon and Ball ended up.
The female parrots exclaim in unison "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard Shlong
"That's obscene!" the barman exclaims. "I've never heard such filth". After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Come up stairs and I'll introduce you to Francis and Job. My parrots can teach you both to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."
"Thank you," one of the female parrots responds, "it's worth a try"
They go upstairs with he Barman and see the 2 male parrots holding rosary beads and praying. The female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Fabulous. If I ever see those male parrots, I'll give them a high wing (I'm assuming you can't high-five a parrot due to lack of arms and hands?)
The barmaid says, "Two parrots? I'd rather have a cockatoo!"
Witton and Swoop - genius :)
The last lines from The Only Way Is Downton that we saw at the Lowry last night - Having a vajazzle is like putting a crown on Piers Morgan's head, it might be bejewelled but it's still a twat
Attachment 7606......
I've been having trouble with my internet so I rang the Orange Helpline.
The adviser said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"
I said, "I've bitten the leg off a gingerbread man. Does that count?"
My missus came home yesterday and said 'Pack your bags I've won the lottery'
'What should I pack' I replied 'are we going somewhere hot?'
'We aren't going anywhere' she said 'just pack your bags and f**k off'
I don't know why our dog licks his balls. They taste disgusting to me . . .
Ha ha ha he he he hoo hoo hooo harrrr!
Am I still awake or up early I cant tell but funny jokes either way good ol joke page. Ahhh :-)
My wife's just dropped a bombshell. She won't be coming home again. In fact, nobody from the munitions factory will be coming home again.
The weather forecast doesn't look too good. Apparently there's a shower of shite coming in from Brazil.
No-one has posted a joke for 6 months, and with the festive season approaching, I'm becoming desperate for some new material.
I'd therefore like to put out an URGENT CHRISTMAS APPEAL for jokes. Second-hand or refurbished stock will also be gratefully accepted.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus
why is a horse like cricket?
Both get stopped by the rein!
How can you get your name in lights the world over?
Change your name to Emergency Exit!
Why does Edward Woodward have so many d's in his name?
If he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar
:)
I think I am developing kleptomania but my doctor has told me not to take anything.
I tried to tell a joke to an eskimo the other day, but Inuit.
How do you get down from an elephant?
[pause to think]
[and a bit more]
You don't get down from an elephant, you get it from a duck.
Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains. Come on, pull yourself together man
i think somehow during the hardmoors i will be vanishing
We DID NOT walk 500 miles.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~The Disclaimers
I overheard our milkman bragging to some people in the pub the other night. He said he'd had sex with every woman on my street except one.
I went home and told my wife what he'd said. She thought for a moment and then said "I bet it's her at number 14, the snooty cow."
Girl in very short skirt is in the back of a cab. Mid-journey, she confesses to the driver that she has no money, but she has 'this'.... and proceeds to flash him a Dutch wink. He has a think and asks, 'You got anything smaller?'
Sorry
Not been to see John Bishop have you mate, only he told that joke at The HydroQuote:
Originally Posted by Mark Smith