Quote Originally Posted by Leaf View Post
Further to my earlier post about whether I can justify the cost to the NHS in treating me: whilst I appreciate the kind comments that I AM worth helping, it's still a serious point that I'm struggling with. Surely, with a very limited budget, the NHS would do better to treat mothers / fathers whose children rely on them than single, childless people? Selfishly, I'd like to think I've got this wrong and that my life is just as valuable, but as much as I think about it, I can't see it.

So are people here just being kind (thank you), or is there really a reason to consider my life (and the lives of other single people with no dependants) as equally worth trying to help?
I'm really glad you homed in on this point, Leaf, it's something central to the problem and one that points in very specific directions.

I don't think i'm worthy of people's time, money or affection; i have this deep seated belief that i am a worthless human being. It infects every aspect of my life like a cancer- i can't engage in relationships with lasses because i'm so insecure, i hate having to ask friends if i can hang out and spend most of my life alone and lonely, and oddly i'm incredibly uncomfortable with friends paying for drinks etc. and will always feel obliged to buy my own drinks so as not to be a burden. The worst part is relationships with lasses, i always end up being far too fond of my female friends because it's them i'm most comfortable with. It's like this curse i can't turn off, and it feels very inappropriate and uncalled-for sometimes. The sting comes when they end up seeing other lads, i don't feel jealous, just worthless and rejected. The sense of worthlessness also fiercely drives my need to kill myself when i'm in the grips of an attack of some sort.

All of the emotions i suffer now, (worthlessness, rejection, isolation), i suffered as a child in what can be termed as a Traumatic Childhood Experience. When me and my younger brother used to fight i was always the one blamed for it and punished, he worked out how to get his own way by using this against me. Dad walked out when i was 2 or 3, and now i had mum sending me to my room for what felt like hours at a time, rejecting and isolating me. Crucially, she also took to calling me a "nasty little sod". What i now have to contend with as an adult is an powerful emotional centre in my subconscious mind that feels utterly worthless for no good reason, is absolutely petrified of rejection and will find it where it doesn't exist, and exploits my darkest insecurities in a 'nasty' manner and is completely ruthless and predatory in nature. It preys on me like a ferocious animal and it knows all my secret emotions and feelings, it selects situations involving lasses because it was my mother who created it in me as a 5yr old child. It undermines all of my friendships with females, especially those i'm most fond of, and i'm powerless to control it.

With the help of someone i know who has a sideline interest in Psych-K, we were able to uncover all of this by messaging on facebook. The way it all ties in is something i could never have worked out on my own, and it was basically a favour for a friend; though we are going to do some Psych-K sessions on me at some point which might cost me the price of a consultation appointment at the clinic.

Try looking in your childhood past for anything fitting this pattern.

As for drugs, you have to be careful you don't end up dependant on them, that's my problem with them.

Quote Originally Posted by anthonykay View Post
Mr B, I hope my facetious comment on your "comeback" thread didn't make you feel even worse about your injuries. We have all done silly things on training runs: try not to think about what you did, and concentrate on how you are going to get better. Can you still do cycling or some other form of exercise to generate some endorphins?
And don't be shy of asking for help, from your friends, the NHS or anyone else.
No, not at all, it's fine. I can't do anything at all at the moment; my hip joint is inflamed which is causing muscle spasm in all my hip flexors. The spasm tightness has resulted in microtearing in just about every structure on the lateral side of my right knee, even getting a shower is challenging and requires a roller session afterwards.